


Electroshock

by Valor_Theory



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 1950s, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Grisha Yeager's Bad Parenting, Kissing, M/M, Non-Consensual Electroconvulsive Therapy, Past Armin/Eren - Freeform, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), War, asylum!AU, non-binary Hange
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-18 23:33:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4724357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valor_Theory/pseuds/Valor_Theory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren wasn't supposed to be locked up with his life in shreds, his sanity fraying at the edges. He certainly wasn't supposed to fall in love. That doesn't mean it all didn't happen anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shock

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! So here's the down-low: I originally posted this to fanfiction.net about a year ago. I just got my account with AO3, so I'm putting the much more thoroughly edited version up here. My other works should be soon to follow, along with all of my new ones. Happy reading! All feedback will be fawned over and squealed at.

1952:

This was not how it was supposed to be.

The frigid metal cuffs dug into Eren's wrists behind his back. The fluorescent lighting overhead cast his thin shadow long and spindly down the hall. His green eyes were startled, wide, staring blankly in shock at the ground as the guard led him through the narrow corridor. A white long sleeved shirt and loose, worn blue pants covered him. His footsteps echoed like thunder around him, and his heart was hammering. Thick oak doors squeaked on their hinges as they were pried open, and he stepped into the office.

In front of him, a formidable man, tall with blonde hair parted on the side, sat with a pen in hand. "Eren Jaeger," he greeted, not glancing up. "My name is Erwin Smith. I hope you'll settle in nicely."  

 Erwin went on to explain the basic rules, curfew, and everything else he would need to know to have a nice, quiet life within the walls Erwin commanded. Eren said nothing as the late afternoon light filtered through the window, dust particles drifting in the air, nearly blinding him as the man finally looked up to meet his frightened gaze.

"Welcome to Sina Asylum."

...

He wasn't supposed to be here. He wasn't supposed to be locked up in a cell, mere hours away from his first electroshock therapy session. He was supposed to be home, with his mother, maybe helping her cook. Not bound to a stiff hospital bed by leather straps, fighting the rising panic in his chest that begged him to just scream, damn it _scream,_ because someone had to hear him and get him out. Someone had to.

But there was no one there. He was to be kept in isolation until his first session. Then he would be allowed to walk freely within the commons area and fenced courtyard, under strict supervision. He was to obey commands, undergo treatment for his _condition_ quietly, and perhaps he would be well enough to be released within a few years.

Eren knew that was a lie. No one left Sina. Not really.

Tears pricked at his eyes as he felt himself swelling up with the fear and anger, his skin too tight around him, the walls closing in. He needed to move; he just needed to be able to lift his hand and he'd be fine but he couldn't and everything was smaller than it was supposed to be and he couldn't fucking _breathe_ and he needed air _right_ _now_.

He made a choking sound as he strained against the bindings, trying to make them dig deeper into his skin. He wanted them to rip him open, to let him just open up a little because there was too much of him stuffed inside his skin and he needed to release something through the valve. He needed it to stop being so tight. He was just about to let himself finally cry out. Just so that it wouldn't be so damn quiet anymore. He stopped suddenly.

Someone tapped at the door to his cell. He heard a giggle.

Through the small square cut in the door at eye level, the mystery person suddenly jumped up, their hands grabbing the bars at the side and rattling the door. "Boo!"

Eren flinched, staring at the woman with wide eyes. She giggled again, pushing her glasses slightly on her nose. "Newbie, huh? Interesting! I bet you like science! Help me out with my experiments, would you? They're fun, and they piss off the staff! We could swap meds or something. I can tell you want to! What's your name, kiddo?"

He blinked, dumbfounded, watching the excitable woman grin at him in a friendly, though somewhat unnerving manner. "E-Eren," he managed. "My name's Eren Jaeger."

She cackled madly this time. "Fantastic," she exclaimed. "I'm Hange Zoe, but don't ever use my last name. Zoe sounds stupid. _Very_ unscientific. I can tell we'll get along very well, Mr. Jaeger." Somewhere down the hall, a door creaked and slammed shut. Her head turned and she grinned mischievously. A man yelled at her, demanding she get back to the main room. "Whoops! Gotta run! Later!" She took off sprinting, the guard chasing after in hot pursuit. Another door slammed, and Eren released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

He didn't sleep that night.

...

His door slammed open violently the next morning, rousing him out of the half-asleep stupor he'd fallen under. He was immediately on edge, his frantic eyes shifting to watch as two men approached him. Soon, he was roughly shoved out of his small quarters and into the hall.

They passed by the cafeteria and several other rooms before reaching a plain white metal door, which was opened to reveal another sickeningly white bed. Next to it was a metallic box with strange dials and buttons, attached by wires to wool muffs. The nurse was waiting for him next to the doctor, and patted the bed.

That was when it hit him that this was really going to happen.

"Shit!"

The terror seized him as he jerked back, yanking away from the two men's grip on his shoulders. He yelled as he stumbled, and grunted when a pair of arms wrapped around his legs and sent him crashing into the floor, scraping his cheek on the cement. The burning sensation on his skin didn't hinder him as he kicked and thrashed until he was finally pinned down and strapped to the bed.

The leather straps rubbed against his flesh, but he didn't care. The muffs were secured against his temples, a piece of rubber forced between his teeth. He crushed his eyes shut, tensing. His breath came in erratic pants.

The nurse smiled at him in an attempt to reassure him. "Hey, calm down, Eren," she said calmly. His name sounded almost poisonous on her lips as she made the final adjustments. "This is going to help you get better."

He shook his head as much as he could with his head tied down, almost choking when he tried to swallow his saliva as he gagged on the rubber piece. The woman wiped at his spit, making him want to recoil. She glanced at the doctor, who nodded, and turned a knob slowly.

_Please! I'll stop! Just let me go! Please I don't want to do this I swear it's not my fault I didn't mean to just please don't do this I'm only eighteen and–_

His voice ripped through his throat one last time in a muffled animalistic howl before the woman pressed a button, and his muscles clamped down on him, trapping him inside his own body as the striking electricity shot through his veins and nerves. He forgot how to breathe as he just stared at the ceiling, twitching, feeling the walls suffocating him. Feeling his own body suffocating him. It burned.

The shock struck in his head and snaked down to wind around his spine like a snake as it bit him from the inside out. He jerked and spasmed without control, driving him deeper into his panic as he tried to wrestle command over his body once more.

_Why can't I move it hurts it hurts I'm scared, fuck I'm so scared please stop this. Where's Mikasa and Armin and Mom? Where are they? Why aren't they here? Mikasa would never let this happen. I want to see my sister._

_I'm so scared._

Even when the humming of the machine stopped, he was still coiled tightly, still staring vacantly upward, unable to move. The rubber was taken out from between his lips, drool sloppily crawling out from the corners of his mouth. Uncontrollable tears slid down his cheeks as he was moved into a wheelchair, and pushed out of the room.

_It was just one night. Fuck you. It was just one night._

...

Hange cackled as they continued to prod him with their spoon, insisting that they were only testing for his reaction. Levi couldn't fathom why he put up with them as much as he did, batting them away. He leaned his chin in his hands, bored, as he flipped to the next page of his book while Hange finally gave up and went to go bother Mike, who was sniffing at the window like a dog again.

The doors to the common room swung open and Levi looked up to see a guard wheel in a rather thin looking boy. He'd never seen him before. His green eyes stared blankly at his feet, brown hair falling into his face. He was parked at one of the small tables towards the back of the room away from the other patients. A glass of water was placed in front of him, but he merely glanced at it dully.

The guard walked away, and Levi's eyes flashed as he watched the boy's gaze flicker furiously for a moment.

Maybe this one wasn't as defeated as he looked.

Suddenly, Hange was dragging him to his feet towards the newbie, giggling as they tugged him along. "Ooh, Levi! You've gotta meet the new kid! You'll love him. He's adorable," they said. "Eren," they called, waving at the brunet. Levi watched as he slowly lifted his head to regard them warily, his expression worn and pained.

Levi noticed that the kid's hands were shaking, and he twitched every so often. Still, his gaze seemed lucid enough. Must have been shock therapy, was his guess.

Hange plopped down in the chair next to the teen, making him jump. Levi folded his arms across his chest as he watched. "Levi, this is Eren, and he's _our_ newbie," they claimed. Figured the wing nut would lay stake on the kid like that. Hange could be damn possessive sometimes.

They turned to him animatedly, and said, "Don't you worry about a thing, kiddo! Levi and I will watch out for 'ya, won't we?" they implored, facing him. Levi grunted in response, but noticed Eren's shoulders relax somewhat. "You'll learn all the tricks in the book. Trust me!"

Eren nodded hesitantly, and Levi finally sat down across from him. "So," he said, getting straight to the point. "Do you actually talk? Or are you going to just sit there and whimper all day like some abused puppy?" Levi watched him carefully, noting the spark of irritation that lit up in his eyes.

Still, he looked away from the intimidating man. "I can talk," he muttered in small defiance.

"Well big fucking congratulations then," he sneered. "This was going to get really dull otherwise."

At this, Eren scowled. Levi kept his expression cooled, watching the various emotions burning behind smoldering green eyes.

_There it is. Knew it was back there somewhere._

"Drink your water, brat," he commanded. "If you just did shock, then you need it." Eren's nose crinkled as he glared at the older man, ignoring Hange's incessant chatter next to him. "What? Are you deaf? Drink, moron." Eren's scowl deepened, but he complied nonetheless. Levi allowed himself to smirk ever so slightly, taking great enjoyment in getting a rise out of the newbie.

 _No,_ he decided. _This one's something else._


	2. Transition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi sweats, Eren spills, and Annie makes everything harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say. I think this version is tremendously improved from the one on fanfiction.net. Here, have some more exposition and early sexual tension.

1952:

Eren watched from one of the benches in the courtyard as Levi ran laps around the dirt track. His standard issue white t-shirt was beginning to cling to him from the sweat, which didn't surprise Eren since the man had been running for almost a whole damn hour.

He'd recovered from his first therapy session, out of the wheelchair and mulling about cautiously. He avoided the violently crazy patients that littered the common area, which he figured out how to do with relative ease after a day or so.

Hange dragged him about, introducing him to the others. Sasha, a girl with an abnormal obsession with food, Mike, who smelled just about anything, Auruo, who made a nasty habit of impersonating people nonstop, and Jean, who he took immediate dislike to after he tried to pick a fight.

It had been three days. Three days of repulsive slime to eat, freezing showers, bizarre fits and tantrums from the other patients, and lying awake at night trying to pretend that the stone walls weren't squeezing the life out of him.

One of the friendlier staff members, Connie, a cook in the cafeteria, took to chatting with him every once in a while, confessing that he sometimes snuck extra food to the patients. Especially Sasha. It was from him that he heard he'd meet with his new therapist today, Annie Leonhart. It was an event he dreaded.

Levi jogged by him once more, his tread light. He ran a final lap before slowing to a halt in front of Eren and shooting him a detached look as his breath evened out. Eren watched as the shorter man looked down at his chest, his nose scrunching up unpleasantly before he violently ripped his shirt off in a way that Eren would have described as frantic had his gaze not remained so collected.

His green eyes took in the various scars that littered Levi's back and firm chest, most pale and long since healed over, but a couple fresher than the rest. Eren quickly caught himself staring and tore his eyes away from the sight, heat rising to his cheeks. He didn't want to be caught drooling over something like that. He had enough on his plate already; didn't need any distractions.

"Hey, kid," Levi called, walking over to his bench.

Eren wasn't quite sure what to make of Levi. Initially, he wanted to smack that smug glint right out of his steely grey eyes. Over the past couple of days, however, he found himself in the near constant company of Hange (who he learned wasn't actually a woman; _they_ explained), and thus Levi, who they tugged around everywhere. He spent most of his time trying to figure out what had the man under lock and key –  what was wrong with him. But so far, he couldn't figure it out. He was brash and somewhat rude, usually surly and expressionless, but Eren didn't think that really fit the definition of "insane lunatic."

The man taunted him, insulted him with a casual flair, but hid pieces of advice in here and there between verbal abuse and scoffs. It forced him to rethink his initial impression. Still, he was gruff, unsociable, and made Eren a bit nervous.

Levi had taken the seat next to him by now, and seemed to be trying to hold his sweaty shirt as far away as possible, touching it as little as possible, and trying to appear as normal as possible. "You are not going to sit on your ass thinking all the time," he stated bluntly, as if he were discussing the weather. "You're going to start running with me and shit tomorrow." Eren frowned.

"And when did I agree to this, Levi?"

"I don't believe it was a request," he replied coolly. He leaned back, resting next to Eren while the boy fidgeted beside him, making a valiant effort not to stare at him and his glistening chest.

Finally Eren broke the silence, having gathered the courage to ask his burning question. "Levi, why are you in here?"

He merely closed his eyes as he answered, betraying no hint of emotion. Eren hated that he couldn't read him. "That's hardly fair, don't you think? You still haven't coughed up your story. And you're the newbie, so you have to go first."

Eren sighed, having expected something like that. He wrung his hands in his lap nervously, looking down as he bit his lip. Levi noticed him shying away, but made no comment. Eren was furiously ashamed and embarrassed by the subject, and Levi would no doubt find it repulsive in some way or another. As much as he held his reservations about the man, he was someone whose company he really didn't want to lose. He couldn't afford to be alone right now.

But the longer he stalled, the more he felt Levi's stare on him. "I-I...um...It was..." he mulled the words over in his head, trying to make them jump out of his mouth already and get it over with. He expected Levi to demand he just spit it out and quit wasting his time, but he said nothing. Just watched Eren patiently.

"My dad...he caught me and my friend...doing stuff."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, my friend, Armin...we were, well, I don't really know. Experimenting? I'm not really sure how it happened but we were, uh, kissing, and my dad walked in." He sported a vicious blush at this point, not daring to meet Levi's eyes as his hands clenched around his knees. "Armin, his parents just kind of let the whole thing go after a little while, sent him to a private school, but Dad didn't. He got really strict, and found out about some other things I do. There was an...incident, and I guess it was the last straw. He shipped me off here, and I don't think he's ever going to get me out." As he spoke, his blush faded and his brows furrowed sadly. He swallowed, thinking back to that night, wondering why his father couldn't have just taken five more minutes to find him...He only would have needed five minutes and it would have been over.

Levi carefully watched the young man as his eyes saddened morosely and his shoulders slumped. "This incident...what happened?" He asked objectively, purposely denying his voice any kind of inflection.

"I have this thing about pain... I don't _like_ it, but it's sort of like sometimes I _need_ it. Like I need to let some of myself go. I took it too far one night, and by the time I realized where I had cut, well, I didn't really care anymore. I can't explain it very well."

Levi hummed as he took it in, letting his arm drape behind the back of the bench near Eren's shoulders. When it seemed that his older companion had accepted this information with relative ease, Eren relaxed. The boy slowly gathered the confidence to ask Levi once more about his diagnosis.

Glancing at him out of the corner of hi eye, Levi smirked. Eren didn't like the look of it. "I'll tell you part of it," he teased. "And I'll give you the rest when you've earned it." Eren opened his mouth to protest, but Levi silenced him with a stern finger against his lips. "Unless, of course, you're going to start bitching, in which case you get a big pile of jack shit." The teenager scowled at him, but remained quiet.

"That's what I thought," he said. "I'm a clean freak." He tossed his sweat-stained shirt at Eren, smacking him squarely in the face. Levi stood to leave, and threw a last glance over his shoulder. "Make sure that thing is washed before it gets anywhere near me."

Eren huffed with irritation as he watched him leave, most likely to shower. So that was it? A minor neurotic cleaning habit? He frowned at the shirt in his hands, completely dissatisfied with what he had learned.

Never mind any of the nicer things he thought about Levi or his advice or the way he listened tolerantly to Eren's humiliating story. He was a jerk.

...

Annie Leonhart sat across from him within her small office, taking notes and asking invasive question after invasive question, all of which he _had_ to answer _completely_. She refused to let him leave until he did.

Was he ever touched by a man as a child?

Did he suffer from any significant trauma?

Did he find women sexually attractive at all?

Why did he think he advanced onto other males?

What was so appealing about pain to him?

Eren was ready to rip his hair out as she calmly wrote down more notes for every answer he gave, each more clipped and snarky than the last. He started to respond sarcastically and angrily to her probing inquiries, thoroughly fed up with the woman and everyone else in Sina. He was seething.

By the end of the hour, she had set her notes on the desk, regarding him coldly. Eren suddenly regretted losing his cool.

"Eren,this is what I think," She set her pencil down. "You are volatile, have difficulty managing your temper, and could become physically aggressive if aggravated enough. Your fixation on pain is highly concerning. You also gave some troubling answers regarding the nature of your attractions. So, here's what I'm going to do: you will continue with the electroshock –"

"No," he pleaded, rising from his chair, slamming his hands on her desk, a cornered desperation emerging from him as his anger abandoned him to fear. "Not that," he said hoarsely.

"Sit down, Eren," she commanded, and he slumped, defeated, back into his stiff chair. "You will continue with shock therapy until the asylum physician and myself say so. I am also going to recommend some medication, which will be reviewed by the doctor and approved. You will start taking them once a day tomorrow."

Eren bit the inside of his cheek hard. "I'll do the meds, but not the shock. I can't." The panic was there once more, engulfing him, swallowing him whole, pressing down and constricting him with no way out.

"Eren, this is in your best interest. Trust me."

He stood, voicing his protest, demanding and shouting. At some point, she called the guards in to take him back to his cell by force, but all he could register was that he was going to wind up on that bed again. He was going to wind up on that bed again and they were going to make his body suffocate him and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He was tossed into his small quarters, smacking into the cold floor with a slap of his palms. He turned to scramble for the door, only to have it shut in his face. The slam echoed around him.

He leaned back, rocking on his heels as he curled into a ball. He pressed his nails into his arms until they left angry crescents in his skin, whimpering.

Outside, he heard the scuffling of feet and the squeaking and slamming of the door next to him. Connie's voice traveled through the barred window in his door.

"You've gotta stop doing this. You scrubbed yourself raw this time."

"Tch." He recognized that voice anywhere. "While your concern is just damn peachy, I don't really want to hear it. Fuck off."

There was a weary sigh. "Levi...Come on."

"Get the hell out of here and go cook that miserable shit you call food."

Footsteps retreated reluctantly and Eren kept silent. There was a rustle of fabric and several quiet curses from the room next to his. "It's never going to come _off_ ," he hissed. Curiously, Eren crawled over to the wall, pressing his back against it.

"Levi?" he said quietly.

"...What?" The muffled response was tired, lacking its normal bite, soft almost.

"Why do you need to clean yourself so much?"

He didn't answer. Eren didn't push.


	3. Plants Should Just Say No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi is a mother hen, Eren is angrier than usual, and somebody really ought to do something about that dying plant in the corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am super excited about Autumn! Feedback is always appreciated. That is all.

1952:

Levi sat across from Eren at their usual table, Hange running around stealing people's spoons for one of their experiments. "Check," he said dully, and watched Eren's eyebrows furrow as he examined the black and white board. The kid was jumpy today, constantly watching the double doors and tensing each time they opened. He remained tight-lipped though, not saying a word, and Levi was unwilling to pry.

A nurse, Christa, strolled by with her cart. She was one of the few (aside from Connie), that he tolerated well. She genuinely seemed to care for her patients, always offering soft, but never condescending smiles as she doted upon those in her care.

She placed two cups of water in front of him and Eren, followed by their somewhat numerous pills.

Without hesitation, he tossed them in his mouth and slung back a gulp of water. Christa looked at him expectantly, and he opened his mouth to show that it was empty. With a pleasant nod, she turned to Eren, who had his eyes fixed on Levi, unsure of what to do. Earlier, he voiced his worries about going on medication. With the kind nurse's attention directed on the boy, Levi arched a brow at him and lifted his tongue to reveal the four pills hidden underneath. Eren blinked in understanding before mimicking Levi and showing Christa the inside of his mouth. She wished them both a good day and left.

Levi spat out the pills into a nearby potted plant, and covered them with the soil, Eren doing the same. "You catch on quickly," he commented, frowning as he wiped the dirt from his fingers. "Those flowers are on some strong shit." That almost got Eren to smile. The kid finally moved his knight, saving his king.

 "Thanks."

"Don't ever take them. They don't help anything but dumb you down – make you some sort of dead-eyed cow for them to walk all over. You want to stay awake, right?" Eren nodded. Levi turned to look at a man, slumped in his chair, tubes running in and out of him. "That's Dieter. He's addicted to morphine now. Swallowed every last pill they gave him. Poor idiot."

Eren stared at the man before tearing his gaze away. "What if...What if I end up like that?" His voice was small and uncertain, and his eyes shifted nervously to the door once again.

Levi almost snorted, and knocked down his rook. "Moron. That's not going to happen."

"How do you know?"

Levi frowned. "If I've kept my head above water in this _sewer_ for four years, so can you. And if you decide to be a little bitch and take a nap, I'll beat the shit out of you to wake you up again. Sound fair?"

Eren flushed at the intensity of Levi's gaze, moving his pawn. "Y-yeah. That's fair."

"Good. Now shut up so I can kick your ass at this stupid game."

The clock swung around to nearly one in the afternoon, and that was when it finally happened. As per what was becoming normal that day, Eren jumped when the doors to the common area were flung open. Only, this time, he didn't just relax again.

One of the more burly guards, Reiner, approached their table, and Levi saw Eren's jaw clench and his shoulders draw up tight. The blonde placed a hand on Eren's back. "Hey, Jaeger right? C'mon buddy. It's time for your session."

The teenager shook off Reiner's grasp as he stood and took a step back. "I already told Ms. Leonhart I won't do anymore shock."

Levi slowly pushed his chair back. Defending Eren wouldn't help either of them. If Leonhart said he was getting a zap, he was getting a zap. End of story. It wouldn't do any good if he ended up next to him as well. But he looked up at Eren, hands shaking slightly, green eyes wide with panic... He'd seen that fear in too many people's eyes. He didn't want to see it on an eighteen year old boy who just had the unfortunate luck of being a bit stranger than most.

Reiner sighed. "Look, you gotta go. You just decide if you're going to walk in or if I'm going to have to drag you there. Sorry."

Eren took another step back, glancing at the door but knowing he'd never make it there. "You don't understand."

Levi was not someone known for bouts of heroic protection, but the way Eren's voice broke with brimming hysterics and the way he was shaking and the way he just looked too _small_ for this shit had him out of his chair and reaching for him. Hange's sudden hand on his wrist stopped him. He glanced back at them, and they shook their head.

Fed up, Reiner was reaching for Eren to force him out. Levi swiftly raised his hand, pulling out of Hange's grip, and grabbed the blonde's wrist and eyed him calmly. The guard was either about to object or hit him, but Levi spoke before he could decide. "Give us a minute," he said. Reiner didn't look happy, but lowered his arm nonetheless.

Knowing they didn't have much time, Levi took Eren by the elbow and led him to the back corner, the boy following behind clumsily. He didn't look back, already feeling the guard's impatient stare on him as he put his hands on Eren's shoulders and forced him to meet his gaze. "Eren, look at me," he commanded. "There's no getting out of this right now. Begging and crying won't do a thing to help you." His grip tightened on Eren's shoulders, and his brows furrowed with determination.

"You're not going to break," _Levi_ said finally. "You can handle this." Eren stared at him with wide eyes, and glanced over his shoulder at Reiner. Biting his lip, he nodded. He squared his shoulders.

"Okay."

Levi straightened his posture, his eyes calming once again. The fear was still there in Eren's eyes, but it was no longer consuming. There was a subtle but proud rebelliousness in him.

The process of comforting the dying and despaired was not an unfamiliar one to Levi. "Hange and I will be here when you get back," he promised. "So just hurry up and get it over with."

Eren tried to manage a feeble smile as he slowly nodded. "Thank you, Levi," he whispered. Levi said nothing, only watched as his newest companion was led out the door, his hands still trembling.

...

It had been just as awful as the first time. More so, even. The leather straps bit into his flesh, but not hard enough to pierce his skin and relieve him. Levi's words helped a bit, gave him the resolve to push through...but they hadn't done anything to make the shocks less painful, the seizure less consuming, the panic subside no matter how many times he repeated them in his head.

The panic...was, in fact, worse _afterwards_. During the actual procedure, he could tune some of it out, could focus just on the tightness and dealing with that in the moment. It was after he was out of the bed and rolling through the corridors in his squeaky wheelchair that he had to think about it and reflect on it. The thoughts rushed at him. It was all how he'd been completely helpless, how his own skin was a prison, how he would have to do it all over again in just a few days...

Eren was afraid. Being afraid made him angry.

Levi said he wouldn't break. He basically promised. Eren doubted nonetheless. He could already feel himself cracking under the pressure of people screaming randomly in the middle of the night, pills, needles, the muffs, the food, the walls... He didn't understand what made Levi think he'd last more than a month.

Eren closed his eyes tiredly. Reiner parked him back at the same table, and Eren saw that the chess pieces were in the positions he'd left them in, even though he'd been gone for an hour. He heard the quiet thump of Levi snapping his book shut.

"See? Still here. Shake it off and look up already. You're not a beaten dog," he said. Eren swallowed. "It's your shitty move, by the way," Levi commented, his voice lacking its normal sharp edge.

Eren felt his eyes welling up with tears of stress. He sensed Levi's grey scrutiny on him as he furiously bit his lip and moved his trembling hand to nudge his pawn. He blinked the drops away, though there was a wet shine to his eyes. He didn't dare speak for fear his voice would fail with his throat as dry as it was, and was grateful when Levi simply moved on with their game.

He could still feel the ghost of electricity running up his spine and clamping him in place. Could still hear the nurse's comforts as she pushed the rubber into his mouth. He heard the cold voice of Annie Leonhart, and the tense demands of his father, the smack of a hand on his cheek, water rising around him. He felt the walls closing in, the fences winding up and eating the exercise yard. His heart was thudding in his chest, still afraid, but the fear wasn't alone.

His pulse was alight with raw, animalistic fury.

He lifted his head to find Levi watching him. He hadn't moved for two minutes straight. Levi spotted the fury, and a flash danced across his iris.

Eren clenched his fist, feeling his nails dig into his skin. "I'm going to get out," he hissed. " _We're_ going to get out, Levi. I swear we're going to walk on the other side of that goddamn fence and tell everyone in this fucking hellhole where they can stick it."

A dangerous smirk tugged at the corners of the other man's lips. Still keeping his stare even, Levi moved his queen. "Now that's what I like to hear." Eren felt his chest tighten, but this time, it wasn't with panic or terror. Levi's deep whisper drew a shiver from him and he caught the smoldering heat in his stare. Eren was fired up. He was excited. He was burning on the inside, and every ounce of him was screaming for him to let everything around him blaze up in flames.

He recalled the way Levi ran every day on that track, never going anywhere, just in circles. Thought of the way the sweat rolled down his neck and arms, how his muscles contracted with every fluid motion. Eren thought of the raw power contained in that lithe body.

Levi held out his hand expectantly for Eren to shake, firmly gripping his palm, sealing the deal. That was it. They were locked together. Eren wouldn't have wanted it any other way.


	4. Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is plotting, the shower scene is anything but sexy, and we end on a cliffhanger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, one of the largest changes I made for this posting was non-binary Hange. I used female pronouns for the version from a year ago, and I'm proud to say I've learned a lot about Hange as a character and gender identity since then. My biggest issue was trying to figure out if 'themself' was grammatically correct, which it is, no matter what the auto-correct tells me. A lot changes in a year.

1952:

"How the hell do they do it?" Eren gasped between breathless gasps, forcing as much air as possible down his lungs. He'd been running for fifteen minutes and his muscles burned. At least the morning air felt nice.

Hange was dashing about in front of them, randomly skipping or jumping whenever the notion struck them. Three laps or so ahead of him and Levi (who had drastically slowed his pace to stay with Eren) they cackled.

"They'll burn themself out in a couple minutes or so." He took note of Eren's labored breathing. "I've seen old fat geezers with more endurance than your piece of shit legs. Come on."

Eren swallowed, felt sweat trickling down his neck when Levi was still breathing calmly. His words stung, but he forced them down. He couldn't very well disagree, could he? Still, the fact that he was disappointing Levi was a little achy. Deciding to move on, he asked, "What's...their story?" His feet were starting to drag.

"Not my place to tell."

True to his word, Hange suddenly jerked to a halt after five minutes and just decided to lay down in the middle of the track. Levi rolled his eyes when he jumped over them, barking at them to get up. They told him it was part of an experiment. He called bullshit.

Patients were scattered about the yard. Some jittering, mumbling, or rocking themselves. Others strolled around, sat down, or plucked flowers and ate them. Mike was sniffing around, and Auruo was convinced that he was Roosevelt.

Two more days had gone by since his last electroconvulsive therapy session. He'd taken to chatting quietly with Levi through the wall that divided their cell at night, bearing his insults fairly well for a nightly basis, but they had yet to further discuss any kind of plan for escape.

When Eren's legs finally gave out on him twenty-five minutes into their run, Levi slowed to a walk beside him wordlessly. Eren swallowed when their shoulders brushed, glad he was already red-faced from the jog.

Levi led him back over to Hange, who had moved to sit under the lush oak tree planted in the yard. The so-called scientist's back pressed against the bark, and Levi and Eren sat cross-legged in front of them. The brunet sighed in relief from the shade, still catching his breath.

They adjusted her glasses and a slow grin crept across their face. "Eren," she said. "Do you mean what you say? When you told Levi you wanted to get out, did you mean it?"

"Y-yes!"

They suddenly reached over and shoved him on his back. "Stupid! Wouldn't you agree, Levi?" Eren warily sat up, his brows furrowed. "If you really are serious, then you don't go blurting it out to just anybody! That's rule number one. Keep your data to yourself until you've thoroughly analyzed it. That's part of being a good scientist."

He glanced at Levi, but the man didn't look at him. "They're right. Learn to keep your trap shut, dumbass. Otherwise, we'll ditch you."

All of a sudden, Hange was upon him once more, gripping his shoulders tightly as their eyes shone with excitement and a thrill of a blush stained their cheeks. They looked drunk. "Eren, do you know what the best way to win is?" Evidently, it was a rhetorical question, seeing as how they gave no time for him to respond.

"You study," she whispered. "You study, and observe, and analyze everything around you – about your opponent. You learn their strengths and weaknesses from the inside out and pick them apart as if you were dissecting a frog. Once you understand," they giggled, "you can use that information to beat them. Tear them from the inside out."

"Tch," Levi hissed. "Skip the dramatics and get to the point already, you shitty four-eyes."

They only grinned at him. "I've been watching this place for six years, Eren. I know everything there is to know, every weak point every corner...I've been waiting for the right moment. The right kind of people. With you and Levi, we can fracture these walls bit by bit until it's too late for them to stop us."

Eren felt the fire swirling within him again at Hange's almost dazed expression. This was a real possibility. He looked to the fence, its barbwire curls twisted at the top, fifteen feet above. Levi was watching him now, waiting, his muscles relaxed beneath his dry shirt. Eren finally looked back at Hange.

"What exactly did you have in mind?"

...

He stared down the woman, her blonde hair pulled back and her expression bored. "Annie, you haven't filed your report on Mr. Jaeger yet," Erwin stated coolly, watching her as she leaned next to the window of his office.

"So I haven't," she noted, crossing her arms. Outside, in the yard, Eren, Levi, and Hange sat together under a tree, the woman – and she _was_ a woman despite her delusions  –  shaking Annie's newest patient about as she spoke animatedly.

 Erwin waited until she opened her mouth again. "If I file the report, it will take a couple of days to be processed. I don't feel ready to commit that strongly to the methods I've ordered for him. I want to see how he reacts to the shock therapy."

Erwin tapped his pencil against his desk. "And why is that?"

"There's something different going on here," she replied, deadpanned. "His father sent him here under the pretense of being a homosexual. That is true. But after speaking with Eren, I learned that the incident that led to this discovery happened two years ago, and nothing relating too strongly to that has happened since. He turned eighteen less than a month ago, the lowest age we take in here. The timing doesn't work."

"How thoughtful of you. Interesting, considering the fact that you're having him continue with the shock anyways."

"He never denied his condition. Homosexuality is defined as a mental disorder, one of which is treated by electroshock therapy. I'm not just going to stop doing my job because I have suspicions."

Erwin's eyes narrowed at her. "Aside from the report, of course."

She pushed away from the window, seemingly getting annoyed. "Please," she scoffed. "You're hardly one to criticize. Or did I imagine all the favors you've done Levi?"

He took a sip from his coffee. Dealing with Annie took a certain sense of self, and it was something he never  forgot when dealing with the woman. "There's something you're not telling me."

"You saw his file. You know what happened that night. He appears to have intense claustrophobia, and a type of complex inclination for pain. I had every spare scrap of metal and debris swept from his room, and he won't get so much as a spoon without my say." Annie met Erwin's gaze sternly. "I've observed him outside of my office as well. He's grown attached to those two," she claimed, gesturing out the window.

"It's not abnormal for a patient to try to make friends."

"Yes, but with Levi? The guy who ignores almost everyone that comes in or just insults them? Something's up. Ignore it if you want Erwin, but this facility and the patients are just as much my responsibility as they are yours."

He frowned at her, a icy glimmer filling his gaze. "I didn't know you cared so much," he challenged.

She sneered. "My career is a stake here if something goes wrong. Not easy being a woman in this profession, you know." She shut the door behind her, stalking down the hall as she left Erwin in his thoughts.

Of course he knew she was right. Something was brewing.

...

Dinner was a tasteless affair, as usual. Eren released a heavy sigh as he dumped his tray and left for the showers. The water was always freezing, but it was better than reeking of body odor, medications, and grime. Especially considering Levi's habits.

Eren knew he was being a bit...ridiculous with his infatuation. But that's what it was: and infatuation. Interest. Intrigue. Other words that began with the letter 'I.' Not the one that  came three places after. Levi was a living, grumpy, neat-freak of a curiosity. And a sexy one at that. Of course he was going to have certain...thoughts.

Levi was also the only one in the asylum he really felt comfortable with. Levi was the one he felt he could trust implicitly. Hange was a good friend, but their eccentrics tended to drain him after a while. With Levi, it was like being able to take a deep breath and feel his lungs expand large enough for him too feel safe in. He wanted to impress him – bring something of his own to the table. He was determined to be of use somehow.

Even though Levi's brash tongue could be off-putting, it was something he was comfortable with now. He actually liked it. It occurred to Eren that Levi was funny. Levi was strong and quick-witted and kind and thoughtful without anyone ever noticing.

For the first time in weeks, Eren had touched himself four nights ago in the quiet of his cell. He thoughts of steel grey eyes, passion masked behind indifference within them. He pictured calloused hands lightly tracing up his wrist, teeth scraping against his neck, biting down, lean muscle and a wicked tongue.

As he worked himself into his climax, desperately biting the corner of his pillow to keep silent, he remembered his deep and soothing voice, trailing shivers up his spine and making him tense with need.

_"You're not going to break."_

Eren blushed now, recalling the event. He pulled open the heavy door to the showers, surprised to find one of them running at the back. Most of the patients went in the morning.

Shrugging it off, he entered the stall across and stripped down. He braced himself as the icy blast of water pounded into his back, quickly soaping down and lathering his hair. When he was done and wrapped in his towel, he frowned in puzzlement as the other occupied shower continued to patter against the tiles.

Hearing a hiss of pain, he moved next to the door, pressing his ear against it. "Hey, are you alright in there?"

There was no response. Peering under the gap at the bottom, he froze at the sight of blood washing down the drain. He burst inside, feeling the water soak his towel but the fact hardly registered as he gasped at the sight of the figure hunkered down in the corner. He shut the water off and swiftly knelt at his side.

"Levi..." he breathed.

The man said nothing, staring at the red and irritated skin on his arm where the skin had broken with a scowl. It wasn't his expression that was unusual, but the detached, faraway look in his eyes. Letting his gaze wander, Eren saw that almost every inch of skin was pink and raw. Levi's near catatonic state wasn't helping to ease his worry.

He grabbed a fresh towel from the rack behind him and set about covering Levi with it after turning off the water. Using his own, he dabbed gently at the wound on his arm. "Levi, what happened? Talk to me. Please."

"Fuck off, Eren."

" _Levi."_

Coherency drifted back into his gaze slowly as he watched Eren press against his forearm. "I'll never be clean," he muttered, drawing in on himself slightly. His wet hair hung in his face, partially obscuring his eye as he looked up at Eren.

Levi was sad.

Eren didn't know who he'd been before Sina or why he thought he was filthy, but he didn't care. He wrapped his arms around the man, pressing his face into his shoulder as he tugged him close. "It's okay, Levi," he said, voice trembling slightly. "You're not dirty."

Levi's brows furrowed, but he let his head rest on Eren tiredly. "I hate this place," he whispered.

"I know. I do too. But, we'll help each other out, right?"

They were naked and wet and sad people, curled up together on a slimy shower floor. As he reached to push a wet lock of raven hair from Levi's face, skin pressed to skin, heartbeats synched to their misery, Eren thought that he'd never felt more humiliated and human in his life. He felt warm.

Instinctively, he softly pressed his lips to Levi's temple. There was nothing but an attempt at comfort in the gesture, to let Levi know that they were still alive and they were still human. They were worth something. Eren was there and he wasn't dirty and their skin was touching and people could still be _warm_. Even in a place like this.

A lot of the kiss was to reassure himself as well.

He felt a hand slide into his, intertwining their fingers, and he knew that Levi understood all of that.

They didn't hear the door open, or the thudding footsteps that approached them.


	5. Every Blonde Except Armin Is A Jerk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin is a tool, it's Hange's turn to be the mother hen, and Eren's butt hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you can tell, but when I originally wrote this, I'd just finished the second season of American Horror Story. Jessica Lange is everything I want to be in life.

1950:

He looked up from the pages, watching Armin across from him as his brow scrunched up in thought. They'd been friends since diapers, Eren always jumping to defend the weaker boy from bullies and Armin smiling at him appreciatively through his tears when it was over.

Now they were sixteen, and Eren was beginning to notice that when they swam at the lake, he paid more attention to the guys than the girls, that he stopped play wrestling with his other friends because something down _there_ would heat up after too much contact, that he never went out on dates.

Armin was his best friend. He was all soft blue eyes and blonde hair that always made him feel appreciated. Eren knew it was bad. It was bad to want to touch your best friend like that. But, he thought about the lake and the number of girls he'd turned down and what exactly he imagined when he was alone in his bed at night...and he had to wonder why.

"Armin?"

He looked up. They were facing one another, sprawled out on the bedroom floor, leaning over their text books. "What is it?"

He didn't know what had possessed him to say this now, to throw caution into the wind just to ask a question that could easily demolish his life. But, he did. He blurted those words out clumsily, as if they staggered and tripped over his tongue on their way out of his mouth.

"Would you think it was wrong if a guy wanted to kiss another guy?"

The blonde's eyes widened, and Eren clamped his teeth on his lip, regretting the instant he'd said it. Armin surprised him though, a contemplative expression becoming him instead of a disgusted one. "And...what if I said no?" It was okay.

"I would ask why," he said quietly, scooting closer to grasp Armin's hand and trace the lines in it. His skin was soft.

Armin's cheeks were tinted. "I would say that affection...I think...doesn't have a gender." And then Eren pressed his lips softly to his friend's. It was nothing fast, nothing passionate. Just curiosity, youthful tenderness, uncertainty, and delicacy. Just those things in the touch of lips to lips.

Through half-lidded eyes, he saw Armin close his, and he pressed just a little more firmly. He felt a hesitant tongue run along his lower lip awkwardly, but it felt nice, almost soothing, all the same. He felt something warming in the pit of his stomach, a warm glowing in his abdomen, and he reached up to cup Armin's jaw softly. All their touches were light, unsure, inexperienced.

They pulled away just an inch before pressing together again, this time with just a little more confidence, Armin parting his lips for Eren to tentatively explore. The brunet slowly ran a hand down his chest, stopping just short of the waist of Armin's pants. The blonde trembled slightly, and Eren licked his lips once again as his fingers trailed lower curiously. Armin was running a hand through his mussed brown locks, and the only thought running through Eren's mind was that this was actually really nice. 

That was when the world collapsed.

His door was suddenly open, his father standing there in shock as he stared at the two of them on the floor. There were phone calls. There was shouting. Mikasa holding his hand tightly. There was an open-palm slap against his cheek, but none of it registered. He just watched Armin with wide eyes from the other end of the living room. Watched as his parents dragged him away, out the front door.

That was the last time Eren saw his best friend.

...

1952:

"This is a problem, Levi," he said. The shorter of the two clicked with irritation, scowling at Erwin from the other end of the desk. "On top of your other instabilities, you want to add this on as well?"

"Well, if you'd listened to me earlier, you would have understood that the situation was not what it appeared to be," he sneered.

"You know that the boy has a homosexual condition," he countered calmly. "Don't try to convince me that nothing was going on when you were on _top_ of each other in the showers."

Levi gave him a scathing look, his angry grey eyes pinning the taller man. "That's just rich coming from you, _Commander_." He stood, leaning over the desk challengingly.

He sighed with a small and condescending smile, shaking his head. "Levi –"

"What? Are you going to tell me you didn't hear them at night in the bunkers? When they were scared shitless because they could die in just a few hours? You didn't seem so hurried to punish them then, Erwin."

His blonde eyebrows arched. "You're comparing a hormonal teenager's circumstance to a war. I maintained the balance I needed from my men to keep moving. You learn to overlook those things in circumstances like that. Different situation. It's completely irrelevant."

Levi seemed to snap a little then, his eyes iced. "How?" he demanded. "How are they different? Kids not even twenty yet just about pissing themselves because they don't know what kind of shit's going to be waiting for them in the morning. I fail to see the _startling_ difference. Those soldiers were fighting for their lives, Eren's fighting for his dignity. I'd say they're equally valuable."

Erwin took a deep breath, pushing away the bitter memories. "Levi," he began slowly. "If this is about –"

Suddenly, a hand was gripping his shirt collar, dragging him forward over the desk, the fabric digging into his skin. "Don't you dare say another fucking word." Levi released him with a powerful shove.

"We had to keep going," he said simply. It was if he were discussing the weather.

Levi steeled himself, crossing his arms as if to restrain himself from lashing out further, but the snarl of his lips curled furiously. "You _knew_ going in what we would lose. You _knew_ and you did it anyway. You sacrificed that many of your comrades – _my_ comrades...to gain _nothing_! There was _nothing_ left by the time we got there, and you _knew_ that it would end up like that."  

"Levi." He stood up to tower over the shorter of them. "I've already explained myself to you a hundred times. I didn't even owe you that much. My decision was sound. I accomplished what I wanted. I regret nothing."

Levi glared. The man he knew years ago was gone. Only a monster was left.

...

Eren laid face-down on one of the stiff cots of the infirmary, his ass stinging and sore. Just his luck. Just his fucking awful luck that Reiner stumbled upon them in their more than compromising position in the shower, even if nothing happened.

It meant fifteen lashes on his behind. Part of his _treatment_. He'd bent over one of the tables, his slacks stripped from him, and leather whipped across the sensitive flesh there over and over. His eyes had brimmed with tears as his cheek was pressed harshly to the desk, but he refused to let any of them fall. It was a small victory.

Yet despite everything else weighing on him, he could only focus on Levi. He didn't know what happened to him afterwards, if he was okay, or if he was breaking down again somewhere without help. It wasn't that he doubted his strength, but after seeing him like that, he'd gotten scared. Levi was relatively stable, solid, secure. 'Stable' didn't look like a man huddled in a shower muttering to himself. It rattled Eren and reminded him of Levi's humanity.

It was the day after, and he hadn't heard a word.

He closed his eyes against the scratchy linen sheets of the cot. He remembered Levi's wet hand in his. It made him realize that he really didn't know him, even though he'd promised to tell one day if he earned it.

It didn't seem right. Levi was strong. Levi seemed invincible, untouchable, unbeatable. And yet he wasn't. Something had made him think he was unclean. Eren could only wonder what it was.

He opened his eyes when he felt the cot dip with the weight of another, and came face to face with Hange, who was running their fingers through his hair. "Hey there, kiddo."

He whispered, "Hange, what are you doing here?"

"Shh!" They pointed subtly at the guard posted outside the open door. Glancing at his blood-stained pants with a sigh, they smiled weakly at him. "What rotten luck, huh? And we said we'd watch out for you, newbie. Some guardian I am."

He propped himself up on his elbows to look at them better. "Don't say that. It wasn't your fault. I'll be fine."

Seemingly appeased, their smile slunk into a dangerous smirk. "Good to hear, because I'm going to tell you some unexpected information! Thanks to your incident, I was able to eavesdrop on Mr. Smith upstairs when he was talking with Levi."

"Wait. Levi? Is he okay?"

They took his wrist and eased him back down. "Easy there, tiger. Levi's fine. But listen to this: Erwin was Levi's commander during the war!"

Eren's brows furrowed with shock. "You mean...during the Second Great War? They fought together?"

"Seems like it to me."

Firmly interested in this turn of events, Eren bit his lip hard. "So, why are you telling me this? I don't think we should talk about it if Levi doesn't want us to know."

"Oooh, don't worry so much. He needs to get forced out of his shell sometimes," they murmured, giggling with anticipation. Suddenly, they turned, footsteps approaching them quietly. It was Levi.

"Eren," he said. The brunet strained his neck to see him, relieved at the sight of his stoic expression back where it belonged, though his eyes were agitated, a frown marring his features. Still, he was okay, and that was all he was really concerned about. "Are you alright?"

Eren blushed when Levi examined the blood on the back of his pants. "I'll be okay," he stuttered out. "What about you?"

"Still standing aren't I?" Levi crossed his arms as he leaned against the wall. "And what are you doing, Hange?"

They flashed him a slightly psychotic grin. "Why didn't you ever tell me you were in the military?"

He froze. Eren looked on as grey eyes widened perceptibly, a flash of emotion crossing them as he stared at Hange. "You nosy bitch," he said, his voice surprisingly collected for his facial expression. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes a moment. "Well, I guess that means I don't have to waste time explaining everything." Even as he said this, he sounded dispassionate and dulled.

"You can brood later," they replied softly. "Right now, I have the beginnings of a plan!"

Levi shot a glance at the guard, and met Eren's gaze. "Then we'll hear it later," he whispered. "Out at the track after lunch."

Hange left them alone, and Levi wandered closer to take their seat at the edge of Eren's cot. He seemed incredibly bothered by Hange's snooping, but reluctant to address it. The brunet gave a startled gasp when he felt Levi's fingertips brush against his tenderly, a strange softness in his gaze he'd never seen before.

"I'm sorry," he said suddenly. "This is my fault."

"L-Levi! I'm fine! It's really nothing! I was just worried about you..." He swallowed heavily under the older man's scrutiny. "I mean, I _was_ kind of scared when I saw you like that."

"Then I'm sorry for that too." Eren huffed with frustration. Levi eyed him curiously, but he didn't move his fingers.

"Stop that," Eren murmured to himself. "I'm just glad that you're alright."

"Hm."

They were quiet for a while, Levi's fingertips scarcely resting against his own, not grasping, just touching. Gathering his nerves, Eren bit his lip. "Um, the war...is that why...?"

"Yes," he said, his voice flat. "That stupid fucking whack job went and ruined all the mystery. You were supposed to earn it. Dumb shit."

Eren chuckled. "What was it like?"

Levi didn't answer, just let the question hang in the air like ripening fruit. It was still too early to pick it. Eren decided not to prod further, and Levi eventually broke the silence. "Enough with this mushy bullshit. We have things to do. You better heal your ass up so we can get back to business."

Eren finally cracked a smile at that, practically beaming up at Levi. "Yes, Sir!"

He saw Levi's lips twitch upward as he left.


	6. Levi Can't Catch A Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi has a dark (not so mysterious) past, Levi is a lovesick idiot, and Levi gets cock blocked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for your support! I love the comments I've gotten so far!

_February 24, 1945:_

_"Captain!"_

_Snow crunched beneath his boots, his rifle unbearably heavy. Ahead of him, he saw the line of shadows in the distance. German soldiers. His squad was crouched behind the ruined remains of the small town, shivering in the snow._

_"This is Captain Levi. I'm requesting permission to retreat immediately! Over."_

_Static. Nerves tingling. "Advance forward, Captain. Orders from Commander Smith. Over."_

_The snow wasn't white. It was red. His uniform was stained. He felt the bullet wedged in his shoulder. It didn't matter. His comrades lay strewn about, marking the dirtied snow with their blood. His enemies, too, painted the ground crimson._

_He was the only one left._

_He couldn't remember his native tongue anymore. The language of love – French. He had become fluent in destruction, broadened his vocabulary of hardship. He spoke death now, and his home in Fréjus was nothing more than a mirage behind his nightmares. Backstage._

_Wind howled across the quiet battlefield. As if the air itself was in mourning. He was frigid._

_He was alone._

_He was alone he was alone he was alone he was alone..._

_There was a hand against his cold skin. His cold, tarnished flesh. A hand in his. Warm lips against his temple. Large green eyes._

_"Levi..."_

_"You're not going to break!"_

_I won't let you break._

_..._

He awoke with a harsh breath. He swallowed heavily, recalling the images that passed behind his sleeping eyes. The blood. The filth. The bodies...

Eren didn't touch him like he was dirty. Eren touched him lightly, nearly sweetly... Eren touched him like he was pure. He watched him carefully, but his affection was obvious to anyone with the sense to look.

Somehow, to Levi, it made breathing easier. He closed his eyes, imagining the ghost sensations of Eren's sun kissed skin on his, how they seemed to cleanse him when, he alone, no matter how much he scrubbed, could never be pristine.

Eren could never purify him, but he got damn close.

Hange had offered them the beginnings of their plan. Eren had a sister who was bound to visit sometime. Until then, his job was to lay low. Three weeks had passed since the event in the shower.

That night, after dinner, Levi felt the tell-tale signs of disgust seeping into him as he examined the creases of his hands, checking under his fingernails. He stood to leave for the showers, when a voice stopped him. "Levi," it called. Eren. The youth sidled next to him as he roamed through the halls. "You didn't run today, and you showered this morning, so I think you'll be fine if you skip a shower."

A scathing response burned on his tongue, waiting for him to unleash it and put an end to Eren's nonsense. But, the open kindness in his green eyes made him falter long enough for his hand to be taken and led down the hall to the cells.

"Eren, what are you doing?" Green eyes green eyes green eyes.

"I just thought we'd relax a little. The guards make me tense." He couldn't argue with that.

The filth was still crawling over his skin, grimy on him and sickening. Still, he didn't pull away from Eren. It was as if he was the only thing keeping him clean. Forcing himself to calm down, they entered Eren's cell where they sat next to one another on the stiff bed.

He felt Eren tense and hiss in a thin breath as he sat, no doubt the new welts on his bottom from two days ago healing and somewhat painful. He got into another argument with Jean that escalated far beyond their normal parameters. Most of the time, they just bickered like kids. This was an actual fight. Some fists were thrown. Jean was left wheezing on the floor afterwards, looking like he was about to cry. Eren almost seemed to regret it.

When Levi looked at him, it didn't seem like he was bothered by the lashes. Almost like it was a relief somehow. Then he remembered their conversation out on the track from a little over a month ago. The brunet wasn't here just because of what turned him on, just like he wasn't there simply because of his need to be clean.

"Why do you need it?" he asked out of nowhere. Eren gave him a confused look, his head tilting a little, hair shifting and his lips parted slightly in a softly enticing way the Levi _totally_ wasn't noticing. "You said you need pain once. Said something about releasing yourself."

"O-oh," he said. His eyes turned downcast as he looked at his hands, a bitter smile reaching his mouth. Levi hated that expression on him. Hated it hated it hated it."I don't know why, exactly. It's just that, sometimes I feel too big. Like, my body can't hold all of me. I have some bad claustrophobia too, so that makes it worse. It's like the only way I can keep myself together is for me to let something go. Release the pressure. Like a valve or gas out of a hot air balloon. Bleeding is just a way to do that. It's not the pain, really. It's the release."

Levi said nothing, felt his jaw clench slightly. Eren took a deep breath and continued. "After Armin left, it got worse. I was really angry and unstable, so I ended up doing it more often... Anyways, what about you? Why do you think you're dirty or something?"

Levi paused. He'd completely forgotten. Listening to Eren, he completely forgot about bathing and wiping the scum off of him. He filed the information away for later. "You know by now that I served in the last war. We were supposed to be liberating one the concentration camps."

"So, what happened?"

"We made it there, but we lost at least 300 of our men in the process, not to mention the enemy's casualties." His voice had taken on a detached tone, as if he were reciting a history lesson. It's just a story it's just a story it's just a story. "It was winter still, February. The snow was completely red by the time we made it. And in the end, we only managed to free those who had been left behind in the infirmary because they were too weak to make the march to Auschwitz. They knew we were coming ahead of time, and so they evacuated all of their prisoners. Erwin strongly suspected that the place would be empty by the time we got there. I had a feeling something wasn't right when they started to fall back suddenly, but I trusted Erwin anyway. I lost my entire squad for no good reason, and I ended up killing about fifty men."

Eren looked at the floor, the air buzzing softly with tension. "How old were you?" he asked in a small voice.

"May eighth, 1945. That's when the war ended in Europe. I was twenty." Levi felt his nerves coiling up inside. He didn't care much to talk about himself to anyone, and Eren had exhausted the most information he was going to get out of him.

He looked at the boy. Eighteen years old. He said he needed to release himself because he felt too big for his own skin, but he appeared so small so small so small to Levi, curled up on a hard bed, surrounded by cold walls. Something stirred in his chest, though his gaze remained composed. He had the same look in his eye sometimes that he'd seen in soldiers. Haunted.

Green met grey as Eren lifted his head. "I'm sorry."

Levi tore his stare away. "Shut the fuck up, moron." Why was there no bite to his words? "It was a war. People die. That's just what happens."

He felt a weight settle against his side, warm. "That doesn't mean it can't hurt."

Levi's eyes widened. He felt his throat close up a little as Eren's soft brown tufts of hair brushed against it. The boy still held his hand, and he couldn't for the life of him understand why he didn't just pull away. He liked Eren. He liked Hange. They were his companions. But he didn't _cuddle_ up next to Hange.

He was cuddling with Eren.

Maybe he just couldn't stand being so cold anymore. He'd been slowly freezing ever since he was committed to the asylum, and now Eren was somehow thawing him out without even trying. Something primal in him craved warmth.

He remembered, on the first day the Eren came in, his head down, slumped in the wheelchair after shock. At first glance, he'd thought the kid was just another broken doll. At second glance, he saw those green eyes lift up. He saw fire; he saw life. Looking back on that moment, everything made sense.

"Why are you..." he trailed off. They stared at one another, probing and searching the lines on their faces, everything. Eren's cheeks were flushed and he looked down for a moment before tightening his hold on his hand.

...

Kissing Levi was nothing like kissing Armin. Levi was older, more skilled, confident in his ministrations. It was no time at all before the brunet felt that heat pooling into his lower body, his body shivering at the sensations of touch.

How could this man ever think he was dirty?

Levi's hand was threaded through his short locks, holding Eren to him as their lips moved across each other. His eyes were half-lidded when Levi's tongue swept over his bottom lip, making him gasp. He felt teeth nip at the tender flesh there, and he whimpered quietly. His mouth partially open, he completely relaxed as the older man explored his mouth, the pink muscle of his tongue stroking his own and twisting as Eren moaned with delight.

The walls fell away.

They separated, barely a centimeter between them. Somewhere along the way, Levi crawled into his lap, arms looped lazily around his shoulders. Eren was dazed and clouded with desire, Levi's grey orbs drawing him in like moth to a flame. "Levi," he breathed.

The shorter man lowered his head to suck briefly on the skin where his neck met his earlobe, gently biting him there when he was done as he moved back up to recapture the brunet's waiting lips.

"This is fine," he whispered, closing the remainder of the gap.

Eren felt himself building up, expanding, pulling against his skin. There was no panic though. In some sense, it felt good to feel like he was about to burst. He was surrounded by Levi, enveloped by his contact, his taste, his scent, but he didn't feel the tightening fear. If anything, he wanted it closer, to press down on him more.

The heat spread throughout his body, and he found himself clutching Levi's hips as he deepened their hot kiss. The pain on his rear was forgotten as he lost himself in ink black hair, strong muscled arms, a firm male chest, and enticing grey irises.

Bolder than he could have ever imagined himself being, he moved his tongue against Levi's, their mouths making a wet popping sound as he pulled back. Suddenly, he was pinned to the mattress, Levi straddling him. The man leaned down and went back to his throat, licking, sucking, and biting as he trailed down to his collar bone, grazing his teeth over the protruding bone. Eren gasped.

"Levi," he panted again, the heat becoming unbearable in his groin. "Do you really...?"

Grey eyes lifted to meet his. "I told you already," he said huskily. "This is fine, Eren. I want it."

His lungs couldn't seem to get enough air as he felt a softness from Levi. He reached to cup Levi's face, sitting up to meet him once more as their eyes closed and their mouths brushed. He felt a cool hand sliding up his shirt, fingertips gliding over his chest. He stifled a moan as he wrapped his arms around Levi's neck, letting the man plunge into the cavern of his mouth with his tongue.

_Thud._

They yanked away from each other, Eren's cheeks still tinted a bright pink. Footsteps echoed and bounced off of the walls and he shot a frantic glance at Levi. There was no way he'd be able to leave without being seen.

"Jaeger!" a rumbling voice called. "Where the fuck are you?"

Levi quickly rolled under the bed, squeezing himself under the frame and tugging the thin sheet down to hide him just as the door to Eren's cell flew open, a burly staff worker he recognized as one of the night watchmen filling up the doorframe.

"The fuck's wrong with you? You look like you just got off." Eren blushed more heavily, unconsciously wiping a bit of saliva that hung at the corner of his mouth and just glad that he was only half-hard. He wouldn't be able to hide it if he was fully erect. "Stupid crazies," the man muttered. Eren scowled, but ignored the comment. He'd gotten used to the remarks of the less compassionate workers. "What? You gonna just sit there like a dumb ass all day? You have a visitor."

He perked up at that, his eyes growing wide as he wondered who would be coming to see him. Certainly not his father...? His foot slid down off the bed, and he remembered that Levi was still under there. He had to get out before the guard noticed.

"I'm coming," he said.

As he left his cell, he threw one last glance at his bed, where underneath, he caught a flash of Levi's silver gaze. A shiver ran down his spine and a tingle danced across his lips.

How was he supposed to convince anybody he was getting _cured_ now?

He shook that thought off. There were more pressing issues at hand.


	7. That Poor Plant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa wants to protect Eren, Levi wants to protect Eren, and that potted plant takes more abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More emotions. Yay.

1952:

"Mikasa!" Eren flung his arms around the girl, tears brimming at his eyes as he held her closely to him. She hugged him tightly, burying her face in his shoulder, running a hand down his cheek as she reached up to plant a kiss on his forehead. "Oh my God, you're really here," he gasped.

She stroked his hair comfortingly, letting him tremble as he began to tear up. She was really there. His little sister was actually there. Somehow seeing her made everything real, made everything twist painfully, remembering what he'd lost. She held onto him as he cried, his breath hitching as he could do nothing but cling onto her.

Her voice broke a little, rasped with raw emotion. "It's okay now, Eren. I'm here. I'm going to protect you."

They sat next to each other on the lumpy sofa, and Mikasa noted the stale air that filled the room. Her teeth clenched as he told her a little of what life had been for the past few weeks. He was pale, his hair disheveled, jumpy, his eyes shifty now as he tensed every time a door opened. Her heart fractured at the sight.

She hadn't been able to protect him.

When he was done telling her his story, or at least, as much of it as he was comfortable with her hearing, she nodded. Bending over to grab her purse, she pulled a stack of papers from it, and laid them neatly on the coffee table. Eren picked one up curiously, skimming over the print.

"Mikasa...what is this?"

"Release forms," she answered. "I'm eighteen now too. I can fight through the courts for custody over you. It's part of why I couldn't visit sooner. Grisha wouldn't let me get registered to see you." She took his hand, clenching it tightly between her fingers. "I can get you out, Eren. I _will_ get you out. Just give me a little time."

He felt emotion bubbling within him as he smiled unbelievingly and gratefully at her, laughing a little. He thought of stepping outside the fence, of wearing his own clothes again, going out to eat at a real restaurant. His grip tightened on the papers, his grin spreading.

His smile dropped.

"Eren? What's the matter?"

He bit his lip harshly, meeting Mikasa's concerned expression with that of distress. "I want to get out of here. More than anything," he emphasized. "But..."

"But what? Eren, this is your only chance! What on earth would convince you to say no?" She grasped him by the shoulders, her eyes wide and worried.

"There are two people I've met here that I just... I couldn't just abandon them. After everything that they'vedone for me, I won't leave them behind. Not when they don't deserve to be here." He dropped to a whisper. "We've been trying to figure out how to escape. We're hoping you might be able to help."

She gripped his hands tightly. "Eren, _listen_ to me. I can't do anything for your friends. I'll barely be able to manage getting _you_ out of here. Don't you want freedom? Don't you want to be happy?" She seemed on the verge of tears, begging him to reconsider. And he hurt. He really did. He wanted to hug her close and leave with her, shut the doors behind him and never come back. But, he could still feel Levi's lips on his...sensual, almost loving with the way they slowly tortured him into bliss. He could still remember the regret in Hange's eyes when they came to visit him in the infirmary.

Suddenly, he perked up, a gasp escaping him. Warily casting a glance over the janitor sweeping in the corner, he leaned in close to Mikasa. "I have an idea, but you have to trust me," he whispered.

So she listened, and she argued, and she listened some more. By the time two hours had gone by, she picked up her purse, pulling the edge of her scarf over her face after kissing her brother good bye, and walked down the drive way. There was nothing with her except the stack of release forms, all of them with Eren's signature.

Her eyes narrowed as she looked back at the looming building, hatred marring her features as she glared at it. She tried to ignore the ripping in her chest as she forced herself to walk away. As she forced herself to leave Eren for another month.

...

Hange stared at him with large eyes behind their glasses, scarcely six inches from his face as his brow scrunched up in thought. "You like our newbie," they proclaimed suddenly, making Levi blink with annoyance.

"Obviously. I haven't choked him yet, have I?"

They giggled. "I wouldn't know about that. Maybe you _have_." They winked. He felt the muscles in his face twitch.

"Shut the fuck up, four eyes. This isn't school yard gossip." In truth, he didn't really have the patience to deal with their invasive nature at the moment. They'd just finished running an 'experiment' on him that involved trying to pull his hair. Eren was back in the hospital wing at the moment, electricity running through him as he bit down on the rubber and tried to escape from the leather straps.

He was worried.

Eren seemed to be getting used to the treatments, going in quietly and without protest. Well, as used to them as anyone could become. But, Levi always caught the slight glimmer of panic and fear in his eyes when he was led back to that room. The most he could do was be ready for him when he got back with a tall glass of water and wait with him until the shaking stopped.

"No, no, no," they persisted, bumping his shoulder. They leaned in as if to tell him a secret. "I mean you _really_ like him. More than you like disinfectant!"

He scowled but raised no argument. He didn't see the point in fighting them on the issue, especially when they hit the mark dead on.

Hange shot him one of their rare sober expressions. "Hey, I know it's serious. You mean a lot to each other."

He nearly smiled at them.   

Since the day that Eren's sister visited, they'd shared a great deal many more kisses. They stole them in the little in-between moments they found. During cleaning duty in the kitchen behind the massive freezer, behind the tree in the exercise yard, when the guards' backs were turned. They could never find time to go more thoroughly, to touch longer, to explore more skin. There was always the danger of being caught, and given what punishment the boy had faced last time, it wasn't something Levi would risk.

Eren had bulked up a little thanks to the everyday running and extra meat Connie snuck into his meals. Though he'd never admit it out loud, he was impressive in a physical sense as well as in spirit. Levi was never one to deny himself truths, and one could be certain: he cared very much for Eren Jaeger. And if what the boy had explained to him about Mikasa's proposal was true, the feeling went two ways. What that feeling _was_ exactly was still up in the air for anyone to guess. He wouldn't call it love yet.

Either way, he looked up as the door opened right on time, Reiner wheeling Eren into the common area to park him at the usual table.

Something was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Dirty dirty dirty.

On his feet in an instant, he closed the distance between them until he was kneeling before Eren, grasping the boy's face gently between his hands. His eyes were unfocused and dilated, his breaths coming short. Hange was only a step behind, already pressing two fingers to his pulse. Levi was grateful for their partial, if not illegal, medical education.

With a violent shudder, Eren twisted over the armrest of the wheelchair to vomit into the potted plant next to him. He shivered, his eyes squeezing shut with pain. "Levi?" he choked out. "I-I can't remember...What year is it?" he rasped. His head lolled to one side as he looked around the room in a daze.

Levi swallowed as he attempted to rub soothing circles in his back, wincing as he heaved once more. Trying his best to keep his voice steady, he replied, "1952, Eren. It's 1952. You're eighteen years old, in Sina Asylum. Are you okay?"

The brunet whimpered as he shook his head slightly. Hange was already off, trying to find Christa for help. "Shit...Where's Armin?" He hissed as he shuddered once more, leaning against Levi for support. "We have a test coming up. We need to study." His eyes were bloodshot, and Levi remembered holding dying comrades like this. It made him feel cold. Cold was bad cold was bad cold meant red snow on his skin it was bad.

"Eren, look at me. Your friend got sent away, remember?"

The boy shook his head and his bottom lip trembled. "No –" he whined, his voice high. "He was just here. We were just studying for the test next week and Mikasa was with us." Tears gathered in his eyes and he stared at Levi. "It's almost summer break, right? Levi, isn't it almost time to go outside? 'Cause we don't have school. We can go to the beach..."

"Eren!" Christa was at his side, fumbling about as she checked his pulse and etcetera, nodding and frowning and soon pushing him out towards the infirmary.

Levi was motionless, felt the cold crawling around him again. Felt the grime under his nails and the disease in his veins.

Hange stood by Levi, concern etched into their features. He showed no expression as they rested a hand on his shoulder, his fists clenched tightly. "Fuck," they growled. "How did this happen?"

"They botched it," he said, surprisingly even. "They botched his electro somehow. He couldn't even remember what year it is..."

"Levi?"

He snarled and turned towards the door, tearing Hange's hand away from him.

...

He awoke in darkness. His limbs felt heavy, his stomach protesting his every move, and he never knew it was possible for someone's jaw to ache so much. Dimly, he remembered Levi kneeling before him, alarm expressed clearly for once. His skin seemed so cold without Levi's comforting touch, and he felt agonizing want for it.

Slowly, he forced himself to sit up, the total blackness in the room putting him on edge. Hugging his knees to his chest, he tried to ignore the creeping of the walls as they drew closer to him, pressing the air against him like a force field. He felt the familiar tightness in his chest and scooted back until he was leaning against the wall.

A week. He promised Mikasa he would be okay, but it had only been a week and he could already feel his resolve tearing down. He clutched at his head, pulling on his hair lightly as he tried to breathe.

The walls pressed closer. He wondered where Armin was. Did his parents make him cut his hair? He'd hate that.

His nails were raking down his arm, pinching and ripping away for little drops of blood to bead at the surface. He couldn't see it, but sighed in quiet relief as he felt the pressure lessen. His lungs suddenly had more room. He could think again. He gently rubbed where his nails dragged, trying to soothe the skin.

He thought about this last session. It hadn't been like the others. The nurse hadn't bothered with spending ten minutes to check every gauge and knob. She said something about a date. When she pressed the button and flicked the switch, it had felt like his body was being torn apart from the inside out by fiery claws. He had wanted to scream, but only bit down as he felt drool slip out of his mouth. His eyes rolled back into his head. He felt like some kind of animal.

He let his head hit the wall. "...I don't know if I can do this anymore..." His voice was weak and defeated, but at least it was a sound.

"Eren?" He looked up. The voice had come from the other side of the wall, and he realized that he was in his room, next to Levi's. "Are you alright?" he asked. "Can you remember everything?"

He splayed his hand against the cool surface. "I think I'm okay," he croaked. "From what I can tell, at least. Everything that happened after they turned the machine on is a little fuzzy, but I remember you and Hange were there."

It was hard to catch, but he heard a sigh. "You couldn't remember what year it was. You were talking about school and your friends. We were worried they'd fried your brains. Not that there's much to fry..." The attempt at humor died.

"Oh." He finally laid down, wincing as the sheets rubbed against his scratches.

"I overheard Leonhart talking with Erwin. It seems you'll get about a week off to recover." Somehow, that didn't make him feel much better.

They sat in silence for a while. Long enough for Eren to think that Levi had gone to sleep. He was wrong. "Eren?"

"What?"

"When we get out of here, we're going to the beach."

He smiled at that. "Really? Neat freak like you? Wouldn't you hate getting sand everywhere?"

"Idiot," he scoffed. "I could go one day."

He hummed lightly as he considered it. "Yeah. And then we'll go get a nice expensive meal."

"I sure as hell deserve it."

There was another pause, Eren nibbling his lip lightly. "Hey, Levi? We're going to stick together, right? You, me, and Hange. And Mikasa too. I don't think she'd ever let me out of sight again."

"Well, it will be troublesome if she _never_ lets you out of sight. It's challenging to have sex when your sister's watching. Or so I've heard."

He felt heat burning in his cheeks. "Levi!"

"Go to sleep."


	8. Horses Win Races Or Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi plan their honeymoon, Hange is the new 007, and sewers are always the answer.

1952:

"So, Eren, what are those from?"

He tugged his sleeve down to hide the scratches on his arms, but it was a futile effort. "I fell," he lied quickly.

She didn't appear convinced. "I've taken you off of shock for a few days. That means you need to cooperate in here," Annie said evenly.

"If you know where they came from, then why do you need to bother to ask?" His little therapy sessions with Dr. Leonhart were nothing short of stressful. She had a way of subtly getting under his skin and making him reveal exactly what he didn't want to. He found himself always trying to crack the code of her thoughts and reverse their roles, constantly to no avail.

She jotted something down on her notepad. "I meant, why did you do that?"

"Guess."

"No."

Every sentence was a confrontation and every stare was a skirmish. He could never beat her, but he always tried. "I freaked out a little after that brutal fuck up with my shock. That good enough?" There was just a hint of accusation in his tone.

"Yes. Thank you. And again, my apologies. That nurse has been suspended indefinitely."

"Well, gee. I feel so much better now."

She glanced calmly out the window, down to the yard where Levi circled the track at a brisk pace. "How are you adjusting to life here, Eren? Do you get along with the other patients?"

"I hate it here. I get along with mostly everybody fine. Except Horse-face, but you know that already." He crossed his arms and prayed to the time gods for the clock to move faster. They clearly ignored him.

"I notice you spend a lot of time with Levi and Hange. Are they good to you?"

He felt his eye twitch. "Yes. They've been very helpful."

"That's relieving to hear. So, let's address your other condition, since you're evidently unwilling to discuss your self-harm. Do you find any lessening in your attraction to the same sex?"

His green eyes narrowed, eyebrows drawing into a frown. This was his chance to lie, to say yes. It would get her to back off on the shock, the pills...However, something within his core screamed at him – told him that he was still the way he'd always been, and she could never make him deny it. She would never make him deny himself or Levi or Armin.

"No." He resisted a bitter leer. "Not in the slightest. It may actually be getting worse," he taunted smugly. No. This woman wouldn't tear down his pride. It was just like Levi said. He wouldn't break.

"I see." She regarded him carefully, taking a moment to sip from her tea. "Then perhaps you require a different treatment method," she proposed.  "Something a bit more direct."

A coldness suddenly clamped the back of his neck, and he felt anxiety running up and down his nerves. He should have just lied, but he was _so_ _glad_ he hadn't. But he should have. He watched her hum in thought as she continued to look out the window at the track. "You may go now. We'll start our new approach soon."

...

Hange bit their tongue as they tried to keep themself from sighing. Or making too much noise. Or breathing loudly. This spying business was tricky.

Squished inside the air vent, their shoulders scrunched against their cheeks as they wiggled forward, they kept an open ear as they moved above the kitchen. Connie was down there, Sasha helping him peel potatoes as the two chatted. Patients moved about, scrubbing the counters, rolling out dough, sweeping the floor. They were supposed to be down there too, but noticeably, they had more imperative things to do.

It took a decent twenty minutes, but they eventually made their way to Erwin's office. Checking swiftly that no one was inside, they popped open the grate and landed as gracefully as possible on their behind.

Hange rubbed their sore butt, pouting. "Ow." They set about yanking open every drawer in Erwin's desk and shuffling through file after file.  Hange wasn't exactly sure what they were looking for, but information was information. Skimming over Annie's reports and prescription forms, they huffed angrily and planted their hands on their hips.

"Well you're boring, Mr. Erwin." They turned to leave, but a slip of paper poking out of a manila file caught their attention. They adjusted their glasses as they read over it. "Why, _hello_ there." A grin stretched across their face as they let out a subdued giggle. They grabbed a pen and wrote something on their arm.

"Thank you, oh so much, _Commander_." They gave the desk a sloppy mock salute.

Stepping on the sofa beneath the air vent, they hauled themself back in and left just minutes before the door to the office opened, Erwin Smith stepping inside to make a call.

...

"Levi! Eren!" They turned from their chess game to find Hange closing in on them with a frighteningly ambitious expression. They whispered excitedly as they took their usual seat at the table, "Look at this!" Rolling their long white sleeve up to reveal smudged, but still legible markings on her arms, their eyes shifted between the two of them in anticipation.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Levi was frowning at their arm, trying to make sense of the date scrawled on their skin.

"That," they said smugly, their voice hushed, "is our deadline."

"Um. Hange, what are you talking about?" Eren had moved his attention away from the game he was losing.

"The plan!" They covered their arm back up and waited as Reiner walked past behind them. "I went snooping around in Erwin's office. On his desk, there was a business letter of transaction and receipt for some work that the asylum's going to get. Apparently, there's an old drainage pipe or tunnel thing that runs under this facility. Because the city isn't maintaining it anymore, it's started to cause some problems in the building's foundation. Point is, Erwin got permission from the city to close it up and fill it in."

Levi leaned back in his chair, slinging an arm over the back of it and lifting an eyebrow at them. "We're listening..."

"So, this is our best chance. Eren's sister is going to get him out soon, and when she does, that's when we'll act. He had schematics and a map of the tunnel system. They're three feet in diameter, so we can crawl through. The problem is that we'd reach a dead end after about two miles where it stops at a bridge. It's sealed off tight by a grate, and we'd need someone from outside to open it. That's where Eren comes in. As long as he doesn't forget all about us once he's gone."

The boy scowled, his eyes flicking over to Levi for a moment. "I won't leave you guys behind," he insisted. "We promised to see the beach."

Hange's eyes widened at that, and they absolutely beamed when they saw a faint trail of pink dusting Levi's cheeks. That was interesting.

"Well," they resumed. "Erwin's having the thing done in September. It's mid-July now, so we don't have oodles of time."

Levi hummed in thought. "The best day to do it would be on a fielding day..."

"Fielding day?" Eren asked.

Hange nodded. "Yup. Once every two months or so, the well-behaved patients get to go on a heavily supervised field trip into town for about two hours. Most of the staff and guards would be gone to make sure they're all taken care of, which would leave more freedom for me and Levi to move. There would be some finer details to adjust, but I think it could really work."

"I do too."

Eren's eyes went wide as the _fourth_ voice spoke from behind him. Looking up they saw the man's smug smirk, his hands planted on his hips as he looked down at them. Ice coiled around his spine and pulled the corners of his lips down.

"Jean!"

"Jaeger," he greeted casually, sitting down at the last chair. Levi was scowling at him with enough force to send a person into spontaneous combustion, but Jean was still smirking. Hange, who had gasped and covered their mouth, was now recovered enough to glare at him with such intensity that most men would have already gone running. But, he had them by the throats and he knew it.

Eren's jaw was clenched tightly, grinding his teeth fury as he forced himself to keep from launching at the other patient. He'd never liked Jean. The rubbed each other the wrong way, and had even gotten into a fist fight once in the kitchen. He made an active effort to avoid him, and here he was to fuck up their only shot.

"I saw you guys all hunched over and whispering. Looked pretty suspicious, so I thought I'd come see what was up." He crossed his arms and leaned back. "Would you relax for a second? How am I supposed to negotiate with you all looking like you're about to murder me?"

Hange replied. "Because we very well might. It isn't that uncommon for patients to kill one another, after all. Besides, it wouldn't be the first time something went wrong with one of my 'experiments.'"

Eren felt a shiver run up his spine. It occurred to him then that he still didn't know much about Hange or why they were there. For a moment, he was frightened of them. He shook it off. He had other things to deal with.

"Look, hear me out, will you?" When he heard no protest, he pressed on. "From what I heard, you guys actually have a shot. I want in."

"No way," was Eren's immediate reply.

" _Eren_ ," Levi chastised.

He bit back an argument, slumping in his seat to glare daggers at Jean. This was awful.

Mirroring Jean's posture with significantly more elegance, Levi addressed the younger man carefully. "And how exactly are we supposed to trust you? It's not really a secret that you and Eren don't get along. What if you're using this to get back at him?"

Jean rolled his eyes. "Please. I know where my priorities are. Some stupid rivalry isn't enough to jeopardize my freedom."

"And why do you want to get out so bad? Aside from the obvious. You know it won't be pretty if we get caught, and you've managed to establish a somewhat decent lifestyle here with bribery and ass-kissing you do."

It was true. The staff treated Jean fairly well compared to the rest of them. He'd made an active effort from early on to establish as comfortable of a life as possible within the walls by sucking up and doing extra chores.  

A somber look shadowed his face, however, and Eren thought for a moment that he looked like just about the most miserable guy on earth. "Eren," he said. For once, there was no malice or taunting in the way he said his name. "You and I...we're not actually that different."

He stared at him in shock, absorbing the meaning behind those words, what they could imply. With Jean's haggard expression, it seemed to be the only reasonable explanation. "You mean...?"

"Yeah. His name was Marco. He was my roommate in college. Some guys from our dorm found out, and they jumped us when we were walking back from a party." Suddenly, he ran a hand violently through his hair, pulling on his sandy locks and his voice broke a little on the end. "They cut off his arm." Eren strained to hear him as his voice tapered off. "I woke up in the hospital, and for so long they wouldn't even tell me if he was alive or not. Those guys, a few months of incarceration and community service was enough. Me? I got the fucking mental ward and a dead lover."

He stopped then, looking up to meet Eren's wide gaze. "So you _have_ to take me with you," he pleaded. "I need to know what happened to him."

Everyone at the table was silent. Eren could feel Hange and Levi's stares, but all he could focus on was Jean and his misery. Jean, who's face pissed him off just looking at it. Jean, who he felt like really could use some hope.

"A-alright," he stammered. "You're in."


	9. Language Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean and Eren kind of bond, Hange gets to yell a lot, and Levi tells it like it is.

1952:

"You're _fucking_ kidding me."

"I don't joke, Eren." She adjusted the needle in her grip. "Remove your pants. Or will the guards need to be present for this?"

Annie ignored him as he peeled off his clothes reluctantly, slipped on the hospital gown, and sat back down on the sheet-covered chair. He asked what was in the syringe, and she replied with a swift, "Emetic drug. We're trying the direct method now, remember? Electroconvulsive clearly was not having the desired effect, only distressing you. Instead, I'm going to try electro _aversion_. You will be presented with homoerotic stimulus, and given small shocks as you process them. Then, there will be no shocks or drugs, and you will absorb heterosexual stimulus. We'll move up to that part later though. This has been shown to be effective in Britain."

He flinched away when she grabbed his arm and injected the substance. Eren gulped as the only attendant in the room finished strapping him to the chair and immobilizing him. "I don't want to do this," he said firmly.

Annie said nothing, just spread the gel on his skin and secured the cotton muff there. A large metal headband was strapped to his skull. She forced a piece of rubber between his teeth once more, "Just to be safe," she said, and connected the wires to the console. Eren squirmed and fidgeted, but all to no avail. He felt his skin cool with exposure, bare to Dr. Leonhart, and the beginnings of humiliation seeped into him. He wanted to bolt out of the room that instant.

She set up a projector and put in the first slide. "Now, you're going to look at these," she explained. "This is called a penile plethysmograph." She pulled on rubber gloves and picked up a strange device, like a bracelet. He jerked back violently when she kneeled between his bound legs and put it on him. A muffled cry escaped him through the rubber bit in his mouth, but her face hardly twitched. "It will measure the circumference of your penis, and allow for me to have a quantifiable data set to go with whatever you tell me. This way I can accurately measure your progress."

Shame coursed through him as she flicked the first slide on, watching him, seemingly bored, as she took notes. The first black and white photo was of just a shirtless man in shorts. Most of them in the beginning were. He felt minor pulses of electricity run through him, but they were at least bearable.

That changed quickly.

Soon, the men were in their underwear, and then entirely naked, which caused some reaction. Annie stood to turn a knob on the console, and the pulses became stronger and more frequent as she went through slide after slide of naked men, some touching each other, some kissing, some posing. Eren wanted to throw up as he felt himself hardening slightly. The pain in his skin made him recoil, but not because they hurt him too badly. It was nothing like his earlier shock. That had been one continuous stream that had clamped down on him and made him feel trapped. This was less volatile, and came in short bursts before subsiding. It wasn't releasing him – not like bleeding did. They would build him up for a second, make him too big for his skin and then pull back almost _teasingly_. There was something about the just barely endurable convulses that coiled him up like a spring that felt almost good.

He was recoiling because Dr. Leonhart was there... Writing down every twitch, blink, and breath. He felt the measurement device around him and gagged slightly when he glanced to see Annie watching him emotionlessly. He tried to look away from the projections, but she simply waited him out. Disgust was crawling into his body, making him sick with indignity, and he wondered if this was what Levi felt when he insisted he was unclean.

God, he felt like crying.

He turned his head away from the screen, fighting back tears and trying to breathe through the rubber.

"Eren, look up."

He shook his head.

"I will keep you here, hooked up to those electrodes, until you finish the set. Please work with me. Now. Look. _Up_."

Eren held out for about two more minutes before the electricity began to bother him significantly. Steeling himself, he looked back up at the pictures, and pretended he didn't want to throw up.

Finally, she stopped the slides. She wrote down his measurement from the uncomfortable device, and removed the muffs and headband. He strained against the straps, eager for the nightmare to just be over with.

"We're done for today." She loosened the leather enough for him to slip free. He snatched his pants and stumbled out the door, his hand coming up to cover his mouth the second he was out the in the hall. He bit his hand as a sob wracked through his body, drawing blood, but he only bit harder. He thought of returning to find Hange and Levi, but decided against it as he felt tears welling up for the first time in weeks.

He walked briskly to his cell, slamming the door shut behind him as he collapsed on his cot and curled into a tight ball. He finally released a long whine, like a wounded dog, before he choked on a sob and let the repulsion wash over him.

It was worse that the electroconvulsive. It was worse than the prison crushing down on him.

He pulled on his hair and tried to erase the images she had forced onto him out of his mind, but to no avail. He could almost still feel the electricity pulsing through him like sticky venom. He was still half-hard, and he bit his lip in bitter frustration.

Suddenly, there was a knocking at his door. He said nothing, but it opened.

It was Jean.

"Get the fuck out, horse-face," he commanded weakly.

But the sandy-haired man closed the door and approached him nonetheless. He rolled away to face the wall and hug himself more tightly. He felt the bed dip with Jean's weight, but that was it.

"Electro aversion, huh? It's worse than the convulsive somehow. I didn't know that was even possible before..." He paused for a minute, the only sound to be heard being Eren's shaky breaths. "I'm glad Marco isn't here. I don't think I could handle it if he had to put up with this shit too. He was too nice." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"What do you want, Jean? I'm tired."

He hummed thoughtfully. "Me too. But, I gotta stay awake, you know?" He waited for a few seconds, then seemingly decided what to say. "Look. We got off to a bad start. Would it be okay if we started over, Eren?"

"After you shoved me into the bread cart?" he replied sarcastically.

Jean chuckled. "If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, yeah."

"I've been kind of a dick too, huh?"

"A little. I think it's just that, I don't think I can be alone anymore. In the two years I've been here, I've never had anyone I actually liked. Just whoever I bribed. I wanna be human again. So, I think, since we're kinda co-captains of the same dick-loving boat, I should try again." Jean fell silent, and Eren closed his eyes as he drew himself to press even closer to the wall.

"Fine," he whispered. "I think I would've liked to meet this Marco guy. I mean, anyone who can put up with you long enough to fuck you is a marvel of humankind."

"Watch it, Jaeger." He got up from his bed and left, closing the door behind him. Eren decided, as the door slammed with a thud, that he was tired of doors closing.

...

Out of the corner of his eye, behind another patient who was chattering to himself, he saw Hange approaching him, an oddly serious expression on them. He wiped the flour off of his hands with the cleanest rag he could find, and shot them an expectant look as they came to stand next to him.

"You need to go see Eren," they whispered severely. "I just talked to Jean, and he said he just went through a pretty brutal electro aversion. He's in his cell right now."

Levi frowned. "I won't be able to make it there without being caught," he said. They wouldn't be getting off of kitchen duty for another hour, and they weren't allowed to leave without escort from the staff until then.

Hange smiled at him behind their glasses. "I'll make a distraction, don't worry. Just get into the common room before seven and we'll be fine. No one will even know you were gone."

He nodded, silently thanking Hange. He made his way towards the back of the room, standing behind the freezer when he often dragged Eren to kiss. He slipped off his apron and waited.

Hange winked in his direction before throwing several trays to the ground and yelling. "Where are the test tubes!?" They picked up a kneaded loaf of bread and slung it at one of the supervisors, smacking him square in the face, laughing manically. "COOKING ISN'T REAL SCIENCE! YOU'RE ALL _LIARS_!"

"Ms. Zoe!" Two guards, including the one posted at the door, rushed to subdue them. They kept screaming and fighting them off, and Levi quietly ducked out into the corridor. He listened as the commotion slowly faded, moving towards Eren's cell. During this time of day, they weren't locked.

He knocked softly twice, then slipped inside, taking in the scene in front of him. Eren, curled into a ball and pressed against the corner of his bed against the wall. Dried tears stained on his cheeks, and angry red marks on his arms and hands, some with drying blood around them. His hair covered his eyes and his breath hitched every so often. Levi ached at the sight.

After Jean left, Eren had felt the tightness of his shame constricting him and he was too big again. So he tried to release, but it wasn't working, and eventually, he couldn't muster the energy to cry anymore. He just hiccupped and gave in.

"Eren..."

He got no response. Eren huddled in further on himself, resting his forehead against his knees. Levi crouched in front of him at the bedside, and took his hands. "Eren," he called again softly. Red-rimmed eyes looked up at him reluctantly. Levi glided onto the bed next to him, and kept his hands down. "Hey, kid, what are you doing?"

Eren shook his head and closed his eyes, biting his lip. Levi let his fingers trail up the boy's arms, skimming over the fresh wounds gently. Eren averted his gaze to the side.

Eren gasped and his eyes widened as he processed the sudden sting on his cheek. He whipped to see Levi glaring at him, his hand still outstretched. "I asked you a question, you little shit. What are you doing?"

This time, Eren opened his mouth, still shocked that Levi had actually _slapped_ him. "I-I..."

"You told me you wanted to stay awake, and I promised to beat the shit out of you if you decided to take a nap. I'm keeping my word. What about you? Escaping, eating at some restaurant, the beach, seeing your sister... Did you mean those things, Eren? Or was I wrong about you?"

The fire ignited again as he returned Levi's glare. "No! ...You weren't." He reached up to finally rub at his cheek, hissing as he irritated the pink mark. "Shit. You dick. Did you really have to slap me?"

"Sorry. I'm a man of my word." Levi moved to sit next to Eren, his back pressed to the wall. Eren only huffed in reply. They sat like that for a few minutes, not touching, before Levi spoke again. "What happened?"

Eren sighed, and let himself fall to rest on Levi's shoulder. "She said it was called electro aversion therapy. It wasn't the actual procedure that...bugged me. I mean, it did, but it wasn't the worst part. It's just that, I was so... _exposed,_ Levi. It was just humiliating, and she was just so fucking calm about it, too. And I'll have to do it at least five more times before Mikasa gets me." His breath hitched again as he clutched Levi's arm. "I don't want to do this anymore."

The older man let Eren curl into him, wrapping an arm around the boy. Levi pushed his hair back with a weary sigh, and let the warmth of the body next to him thaw him out a little more. His insides felt funny, tight yet loose yet right.

"Levi?"

"What?"

"Could you just...stay with me?"

He cupped his jaw lightly, running a thumb across Eren's lips. "I will," he promised. He descended slowly, and the kiss was long and slow and sweet. He felt the tension leave Eren as his muscles relaxed and he succumbed to the therapeutic bliss of human contact. Humming softly, Levi eased him down to lay on the bed, and straddled the brunet.

Half-lidded emerald eyes gazed up at him, and Levi came to the realization that he was slowly remembering a language he thought he'd forgotten. That he'd left somewhere in the bloodied, sanguine snow of Poland. He toyed with different letters of the alphabet in the ways his fingers glided over smooth skin.


	10. Countdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our protagonists kiss a lot, Hange has a backstory, and a beach honeymoon is sort-of planned.

1952:

Five.

She took more notes, barely glancing at him as he clenched his fists and kept his gaze steady on the screen. His jaw ached with the force he ground into the rubber piece between his teeth. His cheek begged for his mother's warm hand.

Annie finally released him with the sharp _click_ of the projector and the soft hiss as the leather straps glided across his wrists. Eren didn't meet her cold stare. He didn't listen to her summary of the day's work. He only pulled his pants on hastily, jerkily, and strode out the door with shame clinging to his shoulders.

The dingy hallways swallowed him whole. He felt like Pinocchio inside Monstro. A poor little wooden boy trapped inside a whale.

He'd come to find a sort of comfort in his cell, in the thick slabs of stone wall that kept the wires and projectors away and concealed him in the blanket of darkness each night. They enclosed him in his own little sanctuary. It was his own purified corner of the world.

He hated the walls. It was the walls that prevented him from reaching out to feel the curve of a pale shoulder and lean body that lay in a bed that would rest right next to his were it not for those awful stones. Raven locks would slide through his fingers if only he could dissolve himself to slither between the cracks in the floor and reappear in Levi's quarters.

He hated the walls.

...

Four.

His tongue was slipping past Levi's lips and there was a hand at his neck. They were pressed up against the tight space of the janitor closet, but Eren didn't mind. There was no space for minding things between the gasps and pops and touches.

Levi's hand was on his thigh, resting there comfortably beneath the table as they played chess. Eren had the thought that it was less for his benefit than the older man's. As if he were trying to remind himself that Eren was real. For the first time since his arrival, he won the game. Neither of them said anything.

Levi's eyes were nailed to him as he circled the track, and stayed there until they came back inside. He shoved Eren into a random empty cell, and then there were fingers in his hair, a chest pressed against his, and no space between them. He thought that is wasn't right; for this person to make him feel so bizarre. As if he might float out of his skin and never return. Like he would burst.

The brunet remembered these things and imagined them as the images rolled by. His eyes were unfocused and dulled as Annie flicked through slide after slide, gauging his reactions calmly, the room pounding with quiet filled only by the hum of the projector and shock box. Some of the pictures contained curved girls with sultry gazes.

His measurement went up a little, she told him dully.

He didn't eat for the rest of the day.

...

Three.

Hange rubbed small circles on his back as he bent over the grimy toilet. When he was done, they helped him clean up, and made an attempt to tame his lengthening hair with their fingers. They tried to smile, but it wobbled, then fractured, and he found himself clinging to them as they whispered nice things to him.

Hange told him a story about when they were younger, and disguised themself so they could go to medical school. They had always loved science, they told him, even when their father slapped them and said that it was only for boys. If it only wasn't for girls, why was there a problem? They weren't a girl. That got another slap.

So they snuck into the school, performed wild experiments when they broke into the labs at night, and one day, everything changed. They met a girl on the bus who was crying, and after explaining the biological reason for tears, they asked what her emotional catalyst might be. The girl said that she was pregnant, but that she wasn't ready, and she'd been forced.

Hange tried to help...and performed an illegal abortion. Hange hadn't been ready either. There was blood, screaming, and they weren't ready, they just weren't ready, they told Eren. By the time help got there, it was too late, and they had seen the horror of their first truly failed experiment.

But now they were here, and they were with Eren and Levi. So you see? It's not so bad, sweetheart. It's going to be okay. I snatched those plans, remember? And your sister's gonna get you out – just wait and see. She's a determined woman. No judge or jury could say no to her. You'll see, kiddo. You won't be like me. You'll get your sunrise and your beach and one day...oh, one day you'll be able to kiss Levi all you want.

Eren started crying.

...

Two.

Levi met him in the hall after Leonhart was done with him for the day. The man had bandages wrapped all around his hands and fingers. He'd scrubbed himself raw again. Eren said nothing. He only rolled up his sleeves to lay his wrists, bruised from strain against cutting leather, by those beautiful hands.

They ate their meal in solemn quiet. The white noise of the commons area filtered out to nothing but a high whistle in the back of their ears. Behind them somewhere, a patient was humming softly to herself.

"Where do you want to go?" Levi turned his hands over absently, sliding the little skin exposed at the tips of his fingers to trace circles on Eren's warm palms. "Which beach?"

"I don't know," he answered truthfully.

Levi paused, then suddenly said, "I was never supposed to be in America, you know. I was born in France."

"Germany."

"Jaeger. That makes sense. When did you leave?"

"I was only three at the time. My father, he didn't like where the politics were going. The Depression didn't help. He didn't think it was going to be a healthy place to raise a child. That, and money, of course."

"It sounds like he cared about you."

"Almost does, doesn't it?" Eren sighed, and a deep sadness flew from his breath, fanned across Levi's relaxed eyelids. "What about you?"

"There was nothing left for me in France. A friend of mine from the war named Gunter offered me a job. I took it. Simple as that."

"I don't think it is."

"Yeah. You're right about that. You’re smarter than you look."

"Okay."

"Okay."

...

One.

His chocolate locks swayed in the breeze that traveled through the valley.  The trunk of the car was shut, what little remained of his belongings inside. He wore jeans and a green jacket, and he could only marvel at the miracle of soft cotton. Those uniforms were stale in comparison. Eren looked up at the tall building, its barred windows, fenced yard... The ivy crawled up the walls and snaked around the frame of a single glass pane on the second floor.

He watched as Levi stared down at him solemnly and offered him a single nod. Affirmation. Goodbye. There was a sadness in the man's grey eyes he couldn't bear to look at.

Mikasa came around the car as a chill ran up his spine. It was unnaturally cold that day, and so she removed her scarf for the first time since he gave it to her, and wrapped it carefully around his neck. She hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek. She slid into the driver's seat, and waited for him to follow.

Eren glanced back up at the window, hoping for one last look. Levi was gone.

He hadn't seen Hange or Jean that morning either, and it left a hollow aching in him he could not name.

Finally, he sighed, and climbed into the passenger seat next to Mikasa. She left the radio off, and neither of them said a word as she pulled away from Sina Asylum. Away from Jean and Hange and Levi and Sasha and the shocks and Erwin and their little beat up chess board. They crossed the dried river bed on the dilapidated old bridge, and he caught a glimpse of the pipe grate he would need to take care of later.

The trees of the damp forest formed a canopy overhead, and the only sunlight he could see lay at the end of the tunnel they made. On the horizon.

"Mikasa," he said. "Can we go get burgers?"

She moved one hand from the wheel to twine her fingers with his. "Of course," she answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo. Editing is actually really fun, I think. Feedback is appreciated as always!


	11. Lying In Wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa is the best, Levi is a pouts, Freckled Jesus rises again, and we get a glimpse into the future?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imagine me standing like Will Smith as I present this chapter to you.

1952:

Eren sucked in a deep breath. Mikasa's apartment was small, but well kept and neat with large windows that looked out over the valley. She told him she only had a six month lease. Once they were done with business here, they would abandon the place and skip town.

Maybe they'd go to France, Eren thought.

His first instinct was to shower for a long time and scrub himself of the indecent memories of the asylum. Instead, he found himself gravitating towards the bedroom Mikasa offered him, his face swallowed by the pillow that was slightly more than worn. The sheets seemed to sigh in relief with him as he exhaled. He lay there for a very long time, breathing, because shit it felt so _good_ to simply breathe. The air wasn't stale with unhappiness or tight with the condensing grey walls that surrounded him for so long.

He smelled freedom in that ragged, flattened pillow.

Suddenly, there was too much freedom in his lungs and he began to curl in on himself, expecting the tightness of his skin to stretch uncomfortably. But it never came. Instead, he turned his head slightly to peer out the window, and the freedom bubbled up in his chest, and the pillow was as frayed at the edges as he was.

He was struck by the revelation that he was so...

The thought of the big, huge world open to him with all of its space and skies and water; the thought of no more walls or fences or guards was enough to push that freedom out to release in the form of delicate tears. They rolled down his cheek to clean him. They washed away the idea of prisons.

So he lay there and quietly sobbed until he couldn't keep it up anymore, and he collapsed into a restless, black slumber.

An hour or so later, he felt a gentle hand between his shoulder blades. He looked up and Mikasa pushed his hair away from his eyes. She gave him a small smile, and got off the bed. "Dinner's ready. I made it myself. Just to say 'welcome home.' It's tortellini. I hope that's alright."

Eren tried to swallow his wave of emotion. "That's perfect, Mikasa." He chuckled with amazement. "Tortellini. Wow!" Tears escaped him once more and he rubbed at his eyes as he continued to laugh. "It's wonderful, Mikasa. You're so wonderful. Fuck. You're perfect, Mikasa."

Then she was there, arms wrapped steadily around him, face buried in his neck. "I missed you so much, Eren. Everything was so empty...First we lost Armin, and then when they sent you away too..." her voice cracked hard on the memory as if it were a vase smashed against the floor. "I couldn't do it. I need you. I need to know that you're all right."

They stayed like that for a time. Eventually, when they did venture out into the kitchen for dinner, the pasta was already cold. They didn't mind.

It was the best meal Eren ever had.

...

"I can't believe it." They rubbed at their eyes dramatically, and let their jaw drop. "You're... _moping_."

"I am not."

"Are too."

"No. Shut up."

"You really miss him."

"He's a dumb shit. I don't."

"Levi," they said, suddenly serious. "You barely touched breakfast."

He stared at them for a dense moment and then turned away to face his temporary chess partner. "Your move, horse face."

The younger man scowled and nudged his pawn forward. "I thought only Eren called me that."

"Well, he isn't here, and someone has to do it." Levi knocked a knight down and nearly sent it sailing across the room.

Jean whistled and rolled his eyes. "You're right, Hange. He _is_ moping," he said as he slid his rook across the board. They nodded absently in agreement and drifted off to chat with Sasha. Hange was even more distractible than usual these days, and every subtle nuance went noticed by Levi at a level of agitation that was nearly incomprehensible.

So, yes. Levi was moping a bit about Eren's absence. In the wake of the boy's escape, riding the turbulent ripples of his disappearance from day-to-day life, Levi's mind was biting its nails and nibbling its lip with a tizzy and turmoil that, in all honest actuality, frightened him.

That dizzying, spiraling turbulence had a name. It emerged from the cobwebs that laid in the dustiest corners of his mind for years. It was only a word, but it was so potent, so full, and so vibrant that he worried that his shoulders couldn't carry it.

Thinking back on it, he realized that since Eren's arrival, the thing had appeared again, like a ghost – invisible to him at the time. It flickered in and out of his comprehension for weeks and weeks now, but it was finally visible to him.

Love, Levi was discovering, or at least the notion of it, was bothersome. He desired Eren when he wasn't there. He was afraid of Eren if he decided he didn't want Levi or didn't come back for them. Hearts were not meant to be balanced on prejudices divided up even. Hearts weren't meant to be tightrope walkers.

But, his had to be for the moment.

So he was moping and he was irritated. That's why it was perfectly acceptable to take it out on Jean.

"Look, fuckwit, the only reason you're only getting anywhere is because of us  ̶  because of _Eren  ̶_  and we're still not that happy about you blackmailing your way in on this. So, I would recommend that you pay very close attention when I say: Bury that parasite you call a personality in your ass," he growled.

By then Jean's eyes had gone wide. Levi moved his queen and clamped it over the square with a firm _clack._ "Checkmate."

He stood and left the commons, pushing the door to the showers open and picking under his fingernails. He unwrapped his most recent bandages, and turned on the water.

'Soon,' he kept telling himself. 'Things will be right soon.'

He'd survived Sina for years, after all. What was six more days?

...

"Oh my God."

Eren wondered how much heartbreak there must be in the world. His. Armin's. Mikasa's. Hange's. Levi's. Jean's. And now he was watching more. He was watching the pieces shatter in the eyes of this man; this broken man who managed to somehow live on the ghost of hope long enough for this day to come. Long enough for Eren to deliver this heartbreak to him, wrapped up hastily and unsurely.

He almost wanted to call it destiny.

"Oh my God," he uttered again. His hand reached up to run through his dark hair, his amber eyes wide and shell-shocked. Eren decided that he had never seen someone so happy to have their heart shattered.

"They told me he was dead. They told me he was gone. That they couldn't even find his body."

Eren stood in a pale room with Marco Bott, and he was watching his world collapse around him.

Freckles dotted the left side of his face, and scarred tissue stretched over the right until about the edge of his eye. His right arm, true to Jean's tale, was gone. Eren thought of the games he played as a kid with Armin. The ones where they pulled their arms into their shirts and pretended they'd been hacked off in some amazing battle.

Marco was crying now, holding his weight up by the window sill. He was smiling. "Thank you so much," he whimpered. "After we –" he hiccupped. "And I was just in that hospital bed, you know? And I guess most people would have been freaking out about the arm. I mean, I was. I was freaking out, but I didn't worry much about the arm. I just wanted to know where Jean was. And I kept asking the nurse and she would just ignore me and I was starting to wonder if I lost my voice too until the doctor finally just looked at me and said, 'He's dead, you moron.'"

Marco fell into his chair with a heavy sigh. "And ever since...there've been so many times when I was just ready to give up. But he's alive. He's alive!" He burst out laughing, even though those fat tears were still rolling down his cheeks. "Jean's alive!"

Eren gave a weak smile from where he stood, and adjusted his hands in his pockets. "Marco, I'm really glad for you. And, I know this is a lot to take in, but there's more to the story than Jean just being alive." Eren told him about their plan, about escaping, about everything. "Mikasa's going to be a high suspect," he continued. "So everyone, including Jean, will need somewhere to crash until we get our travel finalized."

"Done."

"Are you sure?"

Marco nodded. He stood up strongly, a determined glint in his eyes. "I have one condition though." Eren nodded. "Wherever you all end up, I'm going with Jean." The brunet almost moved to protest, but kept his mouth closed, and shook Marco's hand with an understanding he didn't think was possible for two people who'd only known one another for an hour to have.

"I'll bring them here then. Thank you, Marco."

He was surprised when the man pulled him in for a hug, but returned it all the same. "No. Thank you, Eren."

From then on, Eren didn't think of Marco as a young man. He thought of him as a boy that had been just as lost, confused, and hurt by the world as him. He had no idea what would happen to them all for certain.

...

_The air was frigid, but his lips were soft and warm and delectable. And that warmth reached into his veins to spread through his whole body, make him relax and ease into the moment he was in. He was a little scared. His pulse was bubbling up and down like a boiling stew. Fuck, he was warm. It was amazing._

_He watched the other's head hit the pillow and unfurl below him as if he were a sail, ready to be navigated, turned, guided, and maneuvered all through the night. Oh, that raven hair…_

_I told you, see? I told you, and it turned out exactly as I said._

_Eren agreed._

_Fingers trailed along his torso until they reached the hem of his shirt and slid under the soft folds. Pushing up, the fabric mussing his hair as it tugged over his head, the tanned skin of his stomach was exposed._

_What are we going to do tomorrow? What do you want? We can do anything you want, all through tomorrow. Tomorrow is ours._

_Those sweet, clean fingertips brushed over the button of his shorts. He bit his lip._

_It's okay. It's fine. We're fine. You're fine. You don't have to._

_He put his hands on top of the other's, kissed each knuckle tenderly, and leaned forward against his bare chest as if to say, "You're right. I trust you. I'm safe here." He was open. He was open and there and it was gorgeous that night. There was snow outside their window._

_Eren was warm anyway._

_See? I told you. When I tell you, you have to believe me. I won't ever lie to you. Not ever. And you have to believe me when I say that now._

_Mon amour._


End file.
